Jealousy can destroy a relationship. While speaking to a friend the other day, the topic of jealousy came up and I want to share with my readers what I said to her.
If you are in a committed relationship, and there is a girl that speaks to your significant other, and is attracted to him, you need to break down the situation. First off, is this girl going to create enough drama to break you two up? Do you fear your significant other is going to cheat on you? If you believe he is, examine why. Has he demonstrated this kind of behavior before? Is your relationship lacking? If you come to the conclusion that he has cheated before, then has he done something to make up for this? Talk to your boyfriend and find out if he has any intention of cheating on you. If he assures you no, and you believe him, let it drop. Trust is essential. Yes, he may end up betraying your trust and you may end up broken hearted, but nagging him about the situation will probably break the two of you up anyway, and demanding he never see or talk to her again will probably stimulate the "forbidden" part of his brain and he'll be all the more intrigued.
My issue with jealousy, is that often girls will blame the boyfriend, when honestly, it's about YOU. You feel jealous of this other girl because she has something you don't have, whether it be your boyfriends attention, good looks, confidence, or whatever. When you're jealous of another girl, it is usually because you are insecure about something about yourself. So examine why you're insecure. Have you done something wrong, and your boyfriend is mad at you so you feel like he's going to cheat? Then make amends for what you did. If you're afraid of the attention he gives her, find ways (POSITIVE WAYS) to get him to pay attention to you. Reassure him that you are all the woman he needs. If you think she is prettier than you are, examine why you are insecure about your looks. Find ways to make yourself look pretty, and make you feel good about yourself. Before pointing the blame at others and becoming jealous, you need to look inside yourself.
Everyone feels jealous. Whether they're jealous of millionaires, models, their friends, or strangers, everyone ends up at one point or another feeling envious of another person. The important thing is not to let this jealousy control your life. Examine yourself, set a goal, hell, SET LOTS OF GOALS for how you can get what you want. But also, take a look at what you already have.
The world has become so obsessed with possessing everything. We want to put labels on people in our lives. You're MY "best friend". You're my boyfriend. You're my fiance. My husband. My family. Then we want to buy lots of material things, we want to own cars, and laptops, and cell phones, and houses, and eat great food, and do fun things, and go great places. We want to do it all. If we don't get everything we want, we get jealous of the people that have it. We drive ourselves crazy, feeling insecure because we don't have everything. But take a look at what you do have. Do you have a family? Friends? Are you there for them? Are they there for you? Do you have a support system? Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have food? Do you have some sort of outlet for the stress of your day? If you say yes to even one of these things, you are much more blessed than many. There are so many people who survive, and fight to live, who don't have any of those things. I'm not saying you shouldn't want anything out of life. I'm simply saying you should always take time to appreciate what you do have.
Everything does not have to be yours. Obtaining everything you want in the world won't make you special. You make yourself special. Find a millionaire who has a huge mansion and tons of cars and a whole group of followers. Then find the type of person who smiles everyday, and feels truly blessed for the few things they have. Which person do you find more beautiful? (When I say beautiful I mean inside and out, someone with a good heart). It's those people who make the world a good place. The people who suffer in silence, or not at all, because they realize how truly blessed they are to be alive at all.
It's natural to be jealous. It's human, even, to want more out of life. It's what helps us survive. But don't let yourself blame others for that feeling. You control your own jealousy. Look inside yourself and figure out why. Be at peace with who you are and what you have. Be beautiful.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
There's a First Time For Everything
I took a brief hiatus from writing because I needed to sort out some of my own thoughts. I still am doing so, but have a few new topics on my mind to write about and wanted to share with my readers.
What is it that helps us decide what we truly like or want in life? I find that a lot of what I enjoy in life is stuff that I have previously been exposed to, while others are completely new elements added to my life that I never expected. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about first loves and the impact that they can leave on a person, especially if your first love is not your last love. Luckily for me, I don't think my first love will actually ever read my blog, so I can speak a little more freely about these sorts of things.
A lot of what I've found I look for in a guy is based off of my first love. Some things are lessons I've learned I don't want in a man, while others are things I wish for because he did them. I often wonder if he was what made those things so great, or if I actually like them, or if it was just the first love experience that draws me to those types of things. My first love essentially was the first guy I seriously kissed, and I think we all know what I mean by SERIOUS kissing in this aspect. A lot of the things about how he kissed me were things I enjoyed, but again I question why. Then there were other habitual behaviors that I've come to enjoy from my significant others in the past, that he originally did, and I wonder if it is that I truly enjoy them, or if this is perhaps some subconscious connection to the past.
When I was younger, my mom would always play with my hair. She would brush it, comb it after I had a shower or bath, or just run her fingers through my hair while I was laying in bed. It always helped put me to sleep. Now, it is something I enjoy my significant other to do, especially when I'm sick or stressed to help soothe me or to help me fall asleep. With this behavior, I feel it is closely tied to the feeling that I got from my mother way back when. I was calmed, I felt protected, and so obviously those are the types of qualities I would like in my significant other. I can clearly explain why this behavior is something I enjoy. But what about the small things?
What about the fact that the first guy I fell in love with, used to always tell me little reasons why he loved me, and most of the time they would be things I disliked about myself, like how I scrunch my nose when I laugh, or how short I am. Now when I am in a relationship, like now, I feel like because he was always reaffirming that he loved me and why, that I need to hear reasons why someone loves me, and I usually look for them to be the type of things that someone else wouldn't necessarily notice. Is this a quality that most girls have? Or is it something I've now been predisposed with because of my first relationship?
How much of it is my own personality and character? Even if I had not fallen in love with that person, would I still like to kiss the same way? Would I still enjoy the same things I do? Or is it solely because that's what he taught me to enjoy? How much are we effected by the things in our past?
I'm not saying I want to go back to my ex boyfriend from several, SEVERAL LONG years ago. I actually feel quite the opposite. In the past couple of weeks, I've taken a lot of time to examine my past, and have completely concluded that if given the choice, no offense boys, but I wouldn't choose to be with any of my exes again. I am very content with the guy that I am with, and absolutely positive that I am going to spend the rest of my life with him.
But reflecting the past has made me really wonder about myself, and in turn, about others and their pasts. When I kiss my boyfriend, does he only kiss me the way he does because years ago, when he had his first kiss, she liked to do it this way? I know it seems like such a trivial subject but, the past really shapes us.
People say that the past helps us to become who we're supposed to be, but we choose who to become because of it. However, I'm beginning to wonder, are there certain things that we don't really choose? I know that people change how they kiss with different people, girls are taught by Cosmo at least once a year how to train a guy to kiss the way you want him to. But it still doesn't change the fact that there are certain things that you enjoy when it comes to kissing, and pretty much every area of a relationship, and if you are training someone to do it your way, how do you know that your way is going to be enjoyable to them?
The first time something happens to you leaves a mark. There are expectations that follow. The first time you listen to a certain musician, you form an opinion. Certain songs can change your mind about your first impression, but usually you stick to your initial feelings. I know tons of people who associate whether or not they like a song by the situation they were in when they first heard it. So what if, we only ever listened to music in a good situation? Would we like ALL music?
Life truly is a butterfly effect. The smallest occurrence can change our entire lives without even realizing it. Our lives can change other peoples lives. Our reactions become others' reactions. As someone who cares very much about other people and how they feel, this is almost an overwhelming possibility. It almost makes me want to scrutinize every single thing I do in life and how it could possibly affect everyone around me, and even people that aren't around me. But I cannot control everything.
My only choice is to examine why I like the things I do, why I do the things I do, and after reflection, do the things that make me happy. Then, hope and pray, that in my own quest for happiness, I do not destroy other's chances at happiness. We can only do so much.
What happens now, will soon be my past. So if I am happy now, at the very least, I will have good memories to associate my likes with. The past will stay in the past, as in, I do not wish to revisit it. But I will not avoid the fact that the past is what has molded me into who I am as a person.
I'm sorry I talk so much about the past, and about how much our decisions affect those around us. They are simply topics that I tend to linger on in my mind when I'm left alone to torture myself.
Hopefully in the next couple of days I will have some more thought provoking blogs for you out there, and if not, I'm sure my mind will still be running at 10000 mph.
What is it that helps us decide what we truly like or want in life? I find that a lot of what I enjoy in life is stuff that I have previously been exposed to, while others are completely new elements added to my life that I never expected. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about first loves and the impact that they can leave on a person, especially if your first love is not your last love. Luckily for me, I don't think my first love will actually ever read my blog, so I can speak a little more freely about these sorts of things.
A lot of what I've found I look for in a guy is based off of my first love. Some things are lessons I've learned I don't want in a man, while others are things I wish for because he did them. I often wonder if he was what made those things so great, or if I actually like them, or if it was just the first love experience that draws me to those types of things. My first love essentially was the first guy I seriously kissed, and I think we all know what I mean by SERIOUS kissing in this aspect. A lot of the things about how he kissed me were things I enjoyed, but again I question why. Then there were other habitual behaviors that I've come to enjoy from my significant others in the past, that he originally did, and I wonder if it is that I truly enjoy them, or if this is perhaps some subconscious connection to the past.
When I was younger, my mom would always play with my hair. She would brush it, comb it after I had a shower or bath, or just run her fingers through my hair while I was laying in bed. It always helped put me to sleep. Now, it is something I enjoy my significant other to do, especially when I'm sick or stressed to help soothe me or to help me fall asleep. With this behavior, I feel it is closely tied to the feeling that I got from my mother way back when. I was calmed, I felt protected, and so obviously those are the types of qualities I would like in my significant other. I can clearly explain why this behavior is something I enjoy. But what about the small things?
What about the fact that the first guy I fell in love with, used to always tell me little reasons why he loved me, and most of the time they would be things I disliked about myself, like how I scrunch my nose when I laugh, or how short I am. Now when I am in a relationship, like now, I feel like because he was always reaffirming that he loved me and why, that I need to hear reasons why someone loves me, and I usually look for them to be the type of things that someone else wouldn't necessarily notice. Is this a quality that most girls have? Or is it something I've now been predisposed with because of my first relationship?
How much of it is my own personality and character? Even if I had not fallen in love with that person, would I still like to kiss the same way? Would I still enjoy the same things I do? Or is it solely because that's what he taught me to enjoy? How much are we effected by the things in our past?
I'm not saying I want to go back to my ex boyfriend from several, SEVERAL LONG years ago. I actually feel quite the opposite. In the past couple of weeks, I've taken a lot of time to examine my past, and have completely concluded that if given the choice, no offense boys, but I wouldn't choose to be with any of my exes again. I am very content with the guy that I am with, and absolutely positive that I am going to spend the rest of my life with him.
But reflecting the past has made me really wonder about myself, and in turn, about others and their pasts. When I kiss my boyfriend, does he only kiss me the way he does because years ago, when he had his first kiss, she liked to do it this way? I know it seems like such a trivial subject but, the past really shapes us.
People say that the past helps us to become who we're supposed to be, but we choose who to become because of it. However, I'm beginning to wonder, are there certain things that we don't really choose? I know that people change how they kiss with different people, girls are taught by Cosmo at least once a year how to train a guy to kiss the way you want him to. But it still doesn't change the fact that there are certain things that you enjoy when it comes to kissing, and pretty much every area of a relationship, and if you are training someone to do it your way, how do you know that your way is going to be enjoyable to them?
The first time something happens to you leaves a mark. There are expectations that follow. The first time you listen to a certain musician, you form an opinion. Certain songs can change your mind about your first impression, but usually you stick to your initial feelings. I know tons of people who associate whether or not they like a song by the situation they were in when they first heard it. So what if, we only ever listened to music in a good situation? Would we like ALL music?
Life truly is a butterfly effect. The smallest occurrence can change our entire lives without even realizing it. Our lives can change other peoples lives. Our reactions become others' reactions. As someone who cares very much about other people and how they feel, this is almost an overwhelming possibility. It almost makes me want to scrutinize every single thing I do in life and how it could possibly affect everyone around me, and even people that aren't around me. But I cannot control everything.
My only choice is to examine why I like the things I do, why I do the things I do, and after reflection, do the things that make me happy. Then, hope and pray, that in my own quest for happiness, I do not destroy other's chances at happiness. We can only do so much.
What happens now, will soon be my past. So if I am happy now, at the very least, I will have good memories to associate my likes with. The past will stay in the past, as in, I do not wish to revisit it. But I will not avoid the fact that the past is what has molded me into who I am as a person.
I'm sorry I talk so much about the past, and about how much our decisions affect those around us. They are simply topics that I tend to linger on in my mind when I'm left alone to torture myself.
Hopefully in the next couple of days I will have some more thought provoking blogs for you out there, and if not, I'm sure my mind will still be running at 10000 mph.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Life is Fleeting.
With the impending doom of my 25th birthday so close at hand, I have been having a mixture of freak-outs and ecstatic outbursts that lead me to wonder where I really stand. When I was 17 or 18, I started making lists of what I wanted to do by a certain age. When I hit 20, half of these things had not come to completion, so I made another one of things I wanted to do by the time I was 25. When I turned 24, I looked at the list, and crossed off things I knew were not going to happen within the next year, added a few more plausible things, and still have not achieved everything on the list. This year, I feel like instead of making a list of things I want to do before I'm thirty, I just want to make a list of things I want to DO. Then, I'm going to go DO them. Whether it be setting a time-line, and writing in my planner "THIS IS WHEN YOU CAN DO THIS", or just going out and doing them one day when I'm bored, I really want to live. Life is fleeting. There are so many people in my life who have passed away before their time, and I really shouldn't feel like I have the leisure of even living until I'm 30. Hell, I could be hit by a car crossing the street to work tomorrow. I could die in my sleep from some crazy brain aneurysm that has a 1 in a million shot of happening. The point is, life isn't certain. Everyone goes through these periods of time, but honestly, right now I am so beyond content with my life right now that I can't understand how I let myself be a zombie the past year. And it's so simple of a change, it's my mentality. Right now, I spent everyday reading or doing some sort of craft I enjoy, working, and then I come home and either my boyfriend has made supper for me, or I begin to make supper for him, he comes home, we eat, we watch tv or a movie, we have "us" time, I have a cup of hot tea and do something to unwind, and then we curl up in bed together and I drift peacefully off to sleep. It's so simple it seems, but it is wonderful. The future I have been waiting for so desperately, seems within my grasp that soon we will be leaving this town behind and moving off in our own place together (we already live together but have a roommate), and having our life together. And this past year I've sat around and thought that when we move away our life will begin, but news flash Jenn, it's already in play. I had put myself in time out waiting for my life to start, and it was running past me full speed already. And with the simple change of a mindset, with the simple second of me stepping back and thinking, "I am very lucky, I am very happy, I'm just not appreciating it" it has all changed.
Life is what you make it. You can sit around and mope and be all woe-is-me. You can become numb and zombie-like and do the same old thing every day without a care. But life is what you make it. You want to be happy? Surround yourself with the things you love, people, hobbies, but you have to do something about it. Happiness won't come up and kick you in the face and say, "Honey, I'm home." All the best things in life can be missed if you don't take the time to notice and appreciate them.
I am happy. I am joyful. I am content.
A friend once told me that when I get old I'm going to have wrinkles because I smile and laugh so much.
I can live with that.
I'm going to live. I hope you'll join me. Whether it be that I decide to go dance in the rain (something I love to do), sing loudly at the top of my lungs at work, jump out of a plane (hahaha no way), or take a roadtrip....it could be something small, or something huge, but it means something to me. It's called living. Don't you want to be alive????
Stop settling for your boring life and laugh so hard you start crying, cry so hard you start laughing, skip in front of everyone and not give a damn. Just live, and LOVE LIFE.
***If anyone has any suggestions for my bucket list, or can help me with something I want to do on my bucket list, let me know.
Life is what you make it. You can sit around and mope and be all woe-is-me. You can become numb and zombie-like and do the same old thing every day without a care. But life is what you make it. You want to be happy? Surround yourself with the things you love, people, hobbies, but you have to do something about it. Happiness won't come up and kick you in the face and say, "Honey, I'm home." All the best things in life can be missed if you don't take the time to notice and appreciate them.
I am happy. I am joyful. I am content.
A friend once told me that when I get old I'm going to have wrinkles because I smile and laugh so much.
I can live with that.
I'm going to live. I hope you'll join me. Whether it be that I decide to go dance in the rain (something I love to do), sing loudly at the top of my lungs at work, jump out of a plane (hahaha no way), or take a roadtrip....it could be something small, or something huge, but it means something to me. It's called living. Don't you want to be alive????
Stop settling for your boring life and laugh so hard you start crying, cry so hard you start laughing, skip in front of everyone and not give a damn. Just live, and LOVE LIFE.
***If anyone has any suggestions for my bucket list, or can help me with something I want to do on my bucket list, let me know.
Telephone
When I was in junior high and high school, I had a friend who was a huge drama queen because she always wanted attention. She would scream and shout and do anything to make people look at her. I figured out one day, sadly, that the best way to spread a rumor about her, was to tell her I had heard something about her. "I heard someone saying you're pregnant." She would then go around the entire school screaming and asking everyone, "Did you hear the rumor I was pregnant? Oh my God" and by the end of the day, everyone would have heard the rumor...because of her.
It's funny how easily rumors spread, and how easily they get distorted and warped by each person who tells them. One person tells someone that they think a person is cute, then another person says that they saw the two of them at this event talking, then another person says that they went home together, and then another person says that they had sex, and so on and so forth. It's ludicrous.
People don't choose their words carefully enough for one. So when one person goes to reiterate the original persons statement, they may use a word that they think is the same but conveys a different meaning. Upset can mean the person is sad, frustrated, or angry. Everyone seems to end up getting mixed messages. Then there is people who don't even see the event clearly, and feel the need to reiterate it to other people.
I find the best policy when it comes to rumors is to never believe it, unless the person it is about is telling me to my face. Even then, if I am repeating what they have said I try to take care of my word choice to make sure I'm reiterating the same message. If someone tells me something about someone else, I reserve my judgment until I know the real story from the person involved.
Everyone sees things differently, feels different ways, interprets words in their own way, and therefore you can never really trust that something is true. So why say it in the first place? Why repeat what someone else has told you? It's ludicrous.
I'm not saying I haven't spread my own rumors; I know I have unfortunately. But if we start with ourselves, and make a vow to at least try and be better about it....maybe people will stop getting hurt. Maybe people will stop losing things they care about, or being offended, or feeling a certain way about a certain person, if the rumors stop.
I'm all about trying to do what I can to make the world a little better, starting with myself. One tiny step, to maybe someday make a difference.
It's funny how easily rumors spread, and how easily they get distorted and warped by each person who tells them. One person tells someone that they think a person is cute, then another person says that they saw the two of them at this event talking, then another person says that they went home together, and then another person says that they had sex, and so on and so forth. It's ludicrous.
People don't choose their words carefully enough for one. So when one person goes to reiterate the original persons statement, they may use a word that they think is the same but conveys a different meaning. Upset can mean the person is sad, frustrated, or angry. Everyone seems to end up getting mixed messages. Then there is people who don't even see the event clearly, and feel the need to reiterate it to other people.
I find the best policy when it comes to rumors is to never believe it, unless the person it is about is telling me to my face. Even then, if I am repeating what they have said I try to take care of my word choice to make sure I'm reiterating the same message. If someone tells me something about someone else, I reserve my judgment until I know the real story from the person involved.
Everyone sees things differently, feels different ways, interprets words in their own way, and therefore you can never really trust that something is true. So why say it in the first place? Why repeat what someone else has told you? It's ludicrous.
I'm not saying I haven't spread my own rumors; I know I have unfortunately. But if we start with ourselves, and make a vow to at least try and be better about it....maybe people will stop getting hurt. Maybe people will stop losing things they care about, or being offended, or feeling a certain way about a certain person, if the rumors stop.
I'm all about trying to do what I can to make the world a little better, starting with myself. One tiny step, to maybe someday make a difference.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Control Freak
I make lists. I make lists of the lists I need to make before I make my lists. I make sublists, and bullet points, and then I write out in detail what I think next to the bullet points. My outlines can turn into 20 page papers. It makes me feel more organized, but at times makes my life even more chaotic. Lists everywhere. Lists of all the books I've read, lists of the books I want to read, list of the movies I've watched, lists of what I want to watch, lists of what needs cleaned, lists of my dreams, lists, lists, lists.
Most of the time I get so exhausted from making a list that most of the stuff on the list never gets done.
My obsession for control has gone so far that I have lost all control. I need to let go. But I simply do not know how.
I want to be organized, I want to not forget anything in the entire world. I read, I write, so having things written down for me is my way of processing the information. I have a great storage unit in my brain but it's easier for me to access them if they are on paper.
Why do I feel such a need for control? I cannot control everything in the world. I can't even control the things in my own little world, so why can't I let it go? Why does the world feel the need to control the uncontrollable?
This isn't a blog where I am really searching for answers because the truth is, there aren't really any answers. It's people's nature to want to control things, and it's the world's nature to be chaotic. I needed to vent. End of story.
Most of the time I get so exhausted from making a list that most of the stuff on the list never gets done.
My obsession for control has gone so far that I have lost all control. I need to let go. But I simply do not know how.
I want to be organized, I want to not forget anything in the entire world. I read, I write, so having things written down for me is my way of processing the information. I have a great storage unit in my brain but it's easier for me to access them if they are on paper.
Why do I feel such a need for control? I cannot control everything in the world. I can't even control the things in my own little world, so why can't I let it go? Why does the world feel the need to control the uncontrollable?
This isn't a blog where I am really searching for answers because the truth is, there aren't really any answers. It's people's nature to want to control things, and it's the world's nature to be chaotic. I needed to vent. End of story.
Monday, January 9, 2012
I Am Not A Self Help Book, I'm Just Awesome.
I have been trying to avoid this blog becoming about me giving advice for others, especially dating advice. But one of my friends commented about my blog yesterday, mentioning about how a lack of confidence can be what a girl picks up on to make her not interested in a guy. I decided that I would devote a blog to talking about confidence, and then put the relationship advice to bed for awhile.
"Confidence is key." It is true, that girls tend to be attracted to a guy with confidence, and can pick up when a guy is uncertain. So what happens to those poor guys without confidence? They get the boot; they get put in the friend zone; they get rejected. But it's not easy to find confidence, they don't sell it at the dollar store, so then what?
I tend to be a clever mix of confidence and insecurity. I get dressed up from time to time and know I look great, and when I go out looking all pretty it really boosts my mood. One thing you can do for yourself is like who you are in the mirror. I'm not saying get plastic surgery! I'm saying, look at yourself in the mirror and stop hating yourself. Everyone's definitions of beauty are different. For girls, we can adjust and tweak our appearance to improve upon ourselves. Guys don't really have the same leisure. But as guys encourage natural beauty from girls, I feel the same way. Look at yourself in the mirror and learn to like what you see. If you don't like your weight, that can be changed with discipline and dedication. But other things cannot be changed, and quite frankly, not every single girl in the entire world is going to feel the way you do about yourself. Learn to love the way you look. Then dress the way you feel best, what makes you look at yourself and go, "Damn I look good," and that's a good start to confidence.
You have to look inside too. A lot of guys I know feel undeserving of a relationship or wonder why they aren't in a relationship, but yet they constantly are down on themselves and their own personalities. You are who you are. What do you love about that girl you adore? It's probably not solely about her looks, it's probably those quirky little things that she does, that chances are, she hates. A girl is going to love you for your own quirky little things, BUT you have to find the right girl. That takes time. Some people get lucky, but some people don't. And while you're waiting for the right girl to recognize your quirky little behaviors, you might as well learn to love yourself.
They say, fake it till you make it, but honestly, that only goes so far. When it comes to who you are as a person, if you're down on yourself, CHANGE IT. If you worry so much about what other people think, maybe you need to examine why you worry. What is it about yourself that makes you feel like people wouldn't like you? Is it a genuine concern, or is it irrational? Could you change it? Would it benefit you if you did? I'm not saying change for other people. But if you really think that being a different way would help you feel better about yourself, then GO FOR IT! Life is about evolving, adapting, and at the end of the day we are still the same at the core.
Say you are insecure because you feel people don't like you because you're awkward. Do you think your life would be better if you didn't feel awkward? What can you do to ease your mind and be less awkward? Why are you awkward? How can you fix it? Do you want to fix it? Or do you think that someday, maybe a girl will love you for it? That's the mental process to go through. Don't completely change yourself for acceptance from others, but accept yourself. And if you absolutely cannot accept yourself, then do what you feel will make you better, do what you think will make you happy!
If you feel good about yourself, then you don't worry so much about what other people think. I'm not saying you don't CARE what other people think, I'm saying you don't WORRY. Please be clear on that. There is a difference. It is okay to care what other people think; it's good to care in general. It is not good to worry yourself sick about what other people think, especially when it's irrational and beyond your control.
When you are happy with who you are as a person, then you will portray that confidence. A girl will pick up on it and think, "Wow, this guy really seems confident and secure with who he is. I wonder why he feels that way, he must be pretty amazing." A lot of douchebag guys act confident and portray confidence and that's why they get girls. But it never lasts. The difference with you is that if you look at yourself in the mirror, you like how you look, and you like who you are, the girl will pick up on it. If you're not faking it, some girl will find it endearing, some girl will like you for it. And if you're happy with who you are, then you'll make it easy for her to love you.
You have to love yourself before others will love you. Get in touch with who you are, and why you're happy to be you. Find your passion, do it often, tell yourself why you like yourself, be proud of who you are, and live your life how you want to be. I may sound like a mushy self-help book right now but in my mind it's true. A guy doesn't have to be a jerk to get noticed by a girl. Hold yourself in high-esteem. If you're proud of who you are, some girl will be proud of it too.
"Confidence is key." It is true, that girls tend to be attracted to a guy with confidence, and can pick up when a guy is uncertain. So what happens to those poor guys without confidence? They get the boot; they get put in the friend zone; they get rejected. But it's not easy to find confidence, they don't sell it at the dollar store, so then what?
I tend to be a clever mix of confidence and insecurity. I get dressed up from time to time and know I look great, and when I go out looking all pretty it really boosts my mood. One thing you can do for yourself is like who you are in the mirror. I'm not saying get plastic surgery! I'm saying, look at yourself in the mirror and stop hating yourself. Everyone's definitions of beauty are different. For girls, we can adjust and tweak our appearance to improve upon ourselves. Guys don't really have the same leisure. But as guys encourage natural beauty from girls, I feel the same way. Look at yourself in the mirror and learn to like what you see. If you don't like your weight, that can be changed with discipline and dedication. But other things cannot be changed, and quite frankly, not every single girl in the entire world is going to feel the way you do about yourself. Learn to love the way you look. Then dress the way you feel best, what makes you look at yourself and go, "Damn I look good," and that's a good start to confidence.
You have to look inside too. A lot of guys I know feel undeserving of a relationship or wonder why they aren't in a relationship, but yet they constantly are down on themselves and their own personalities. You are who you are. What do you love about that girl you adore? It's probably not solely about her looks, it's probably those quirky little things that she does, that chances are, she hates. A girl is going to love you for your own quirky little things, BUT you have to find the right girl. That takes time. Some people get lucky, but some people don't. And while you're waiting for the right girl to recognize your quirky little behaviors, you might as well learn to love yourself.
They say, fake it till you make it, but honestly, that only goes so far. When it comes to who you are as a person, if you're down on yourself, CHANGE IT. If you worry so much about what other people think, maybe you need to examine why you worry. What is it about yourself that makes you feel like people wouldn't like you? Is it a genuine concern, or is it irrational? Could you change it? Would it benefit you if you did? I'm not saying change for other people. But if you really think that being a different way would help you feel better about yourself, then GO FOR IT! Life is about evolving, adapting, and at the end of the day we are still the same at the core.
Say you are insecure because you feel people don't like you because you're awkward. Do you think your life would be better if you didn't feel awkward? What can you do to ease your mind and be less awkward? Why are you awkward? How can you fix it? Do you want to fix it? Or do you think that someday, maybe a girl will love you for it? That's the mental process to go through. Don't completely change yourself for acceptance from others, but accept yourself. And if you absolutely cannot accept yourself, then do what you feel will make you better, do what you think will make you happy!
If you feel good about yourself, then you don't worry so much about what other people think. I'm not saying you don't CARE what other people think, I'm saying you don't WORRY. Please be clear on that. There is a difference. It is okay to care what other people think; it's good to care in general. It is not good to worry yourself sick about what other people think, especially when it's irrational and beyond your control.
When you are happy with who you are as a person, then you will portray that confidence. A girl will pick up on it and think, "Wow, this guy really seems confident and secure with who he is. I wonder why he feels that way, he must be pretty amazing." A lot of douchebag guys act confident and portray confidence and that's why they get girls. But it never lasts. The difference with you is that if you look at yourself in the mirror, you like how you look, and you like who you are, the girl will pick up on it. If you're not faking it, some girl will find it endearing, some girl will like you for it. And if you're happy with who you are, then you'll make it easy for her to love you.
You have to love yourself before others will love you. Get in touch with who you are, and why you're happy to be you. Find your passion, do it often, tell yourself why you like yourself, be proud of who you are, and live your life how you want to be. I may sound like a mushy self-help book right now but in my mind it's true. A guy doesn't have to be a jerk to get noticed by a girl. Hold yourself in high-esteem. If you're proud of who you are, some girl will be proud of it too.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Sometimes You Can't Win
Men hit on women at bars, and restaurants, and in the supermarket, and at Sheetz, and on the street. They hit on women. Whether the ulterior motive is to get laid or to make a genuine connection, is irrelevant. Well, okay, so maybe it's relevant, but not completely relevant to what I'm talking about today. It's your approach. Because no matter how you decide to approach a girl, you may be doomed from the start.
For example, there are several different ways I have been approached at a bar. There's the guy across the bar who sends you a free drink and never actually comes over to talk to you. This is slightly nice, yet slightly creepy. It's like, "Thank you sir for giving me a free drink. I'm sorry you didn't have the courage or enough interest to come over and actually have a conversation with me." This is also helpful though, because the typical guys who use this approach are older guys who I really have no interest in having a conversation with, so I can avoid awkwardness by making eye contact, giving them a smile and a nod while sipping on my drink to acknowledge I appreciate it. Luckily for me, I go to a bar where I know all the bartenders, and know that no matter how much the guy tipped the bartender, the bartender is not going to roofie my drink.
Then there's the guy who buys your drink and brings it over. I'm not a huge fan of this guy, because there's the simple principle that, maybe I don't want your drink. Maybe you're going to buy me some nasty ass drink that I hate, and now you're standing next to me, trying to talk to me and I have to bear with it and try to act as if I'm fine, so I don't offend you. Then there's the obligation of actually talking to you because you bought me a free drink in the first place. I think if you're one of these guys, your best bet is to ask the bartender what the girl is drinking, get her another one, when she's almost done with her original drink, and keep the conversation brief. Bring it over to her, ask her why she likes it, say whatever it was that initially compelled you to buy her the drink, like you think she's pretty, and then bid her a good night and walk away. If she's interested in you, she'll find a way to continue the conversation herself, or come over to you later in the night. Watch for body language!!! If she's avoiding your gaze, her body is basically turned away from you, or she's staring at her friend the entire time for reinforcement, chances are she's over talking to you and wants you to leave her alone.
How about the guy who doesn't buy you a drink but stands right next to you and starts to hit you up for a conversation? This can be a harmless, but you have to keep in mind the time of your conversation. Again, watch her body language, and keep the conversation brief. She will come to you or give you a sign if she wants to continue talking.
How about the flirt and flee? I got this the other night at the bar, where a guy came over and said, "I don't know you, but you and your friend are the hottest girls in this bar." Then, he walked out. Completely left. What was the point of it? Although I am in a committed relationship, I found it quite odd that the guy felt so compelled to come over and share that information with me, yet leave immediately afterwards. It shows a lack of confidence. Not to mention, yes, I'm taken, but the girl I was with isn't. He could've ended up really hitting it off with her, if he hadn't run away.
At least this is better than a guy who as your walking past or he is walking past, says something about you being hot, and then laughs with his friends. Congratulations, you have now received my "Tool of the bar" award. I will now avoid you and walking near you the entire night, and trash talk your outfit and your friends for the next minute in the bathroom. This also goes for the guy who wants to get a girls attention by being obnoxiously loud with his friends. Yes, now I'm looking at you. Trust me, this is a look of disgust or annoyance, not interest. You are the type of guy that ruins my night because I can't have a simple conversation with the person next to me, I get a headache and want to distance myself from you as much as possible. The type of girls you attract with this behavior, if that's what you're into, go for it. But they are very rarely quality girls. Yes, I hear you singing the song on the jukebox. I'm so proud you know all the words. I actually like this song and would like to hear it sung by the person who actually recorded it. There's a reason they made money off of it, and you didn't.
Which brings me to my biggest anger. What is up with the cat-calling in random places? I'm pumping gas, walking to work, or going somewhere, and I get a chorus of inappropriate comments, and then the guys beckon I come back and talk to them. When has that ever worked? When has a guy ever yelled, "Nice ass" to a girl as she's crossing the street, and the girl walks up and goes, "Oh my God, please have sex with me." Not to mention, if a girl did that her self-esteem is probably at negative 20, and you probably will end up hating her anyway. GUYS, STOP THIS. It does not work, it will not work, and in the rare exception it may work, it's not worth it. I understand your need to show off your testosterone or good eye for women in front of your guy friends, but why not keep it on the down low. Trust me, I don't want reinforcement on how my outfit looks, or how I look in it. If I walked out of the house in it, I approve, I don't need your approval along with it.
My point is, within the first five minutes of a girl talking to you, she probably knows whether or not she's interested in you, whether it be a relationship or sex. It's all about a spark with girls, you feel that instant chemistry. Yes, I'm not going to lie, it is based a lot on your appearance, but if a guy can make me smile or laugh within five minutes of meeting him, chances are I'm not gonna be opposed to having a conversation with him. Sometimes you have to be creative. This one night at the bar I was wearing a headband with zebra stripes on it. A guy sat next to me and said, "So is that made of real zebra?" The way he said it, I knew it was a joke, and it was clever enough to make me laugh. I'm not gonna date the guy, I probably wouldn't have dated him even if I was single at the time, but I did proceed to have a conversation with him and didn't feel awkward and uncomfortable the entire time. It's all about chemistry. Try what I tell you, and you'll increase your odds, but sometimes you can't win. The girl might be taken, the girl might still be head over heels for her ex, the girl might not be looking for anything, and the girl might not be interested in you. But you're never gonna find out if you're doing the wrong things. You REALLY won't find out if you never take a risk.
I felt like shedding some light on the situation for some of my single guy friends, and make some of my girl friends laugh because we've all had a guy hit on us in at least one of these annoying ways. Adjust your behavior and yes, the nice guy really can get the girl.
***** Added******
Also wanted to say that for the most part, it is not okay to touch a girl you don't know unless she has initiated contact first. Even at a club, hands on the hips is fine at first, but if you touch my boobs, ass, vagina, or even my stomach under my shirt, you're getting one warning where I remove your hands and then you're getting punched in the dick.
For example, there are several different ways I have been approached at a bar. There's the guy across the bar who sends you a free drink and never actually comes over to talk to you. This is slightly nice, yet slightly creepy. It's like, "Thank you sir for giving me a free drink. I'm sorry you didn't have the courage or enough interest to come over and actually have a conversation with me." This is also helpful though, because the typical guys who use this approach are older guys who I really have no interest in having a conversation with, so I can avoid awkwardness by making eye contact, giving them a smile and a nod while sipping on my drink to acknowledge I appreciate it. Luckily for me, I go to a bar where I know all the bartenders, and know that no matter how much the guy tipped the bartender, the bartender is not going to roofie my drink.
Then there's the guy who buys your drink and brings it over. I'm not a huge fan of this guy, because there's the simple principle that, maybe I don't want your drink. Maybe you're going to buy me some nasty ass drink that I hate, and now you're standing next to me, trying to talk to me and I have to bear with it and try to act as if I'm fine, so I don't offend you. Then there's the obligation of actually talking to you because you bought me a free drink in the first place. I think if you're one of these guys, your best bet is to ask the bartender what the girl is drinking, get her another one, when she's almost done with her original drink, and keep the conversation brief. Bring it over to her, ask her why she likes it, say whatever it was that initially compelled you to buy her the drink, like you think she's pretty, and then bid her a good night and walk away. If she's interested in you, she'll find a way to continue the conversation herself, or come over to you later in the night. Watch for body language!!! If she's avoiding your gaze, her body is basically turned away from you, or she's staring at her friend the entire time for reinforcement, chances are she's over talking to you and wants you to leave her alone.
How about the guy who doesn't buy you a drink but stands right next to you and starts to hit you up for a conversation? This can be a harmless, but you have to keep in mind the time of your conversation. Again, watch her body language, and keep the conversation brief. She will come to you or give you a sign if she wants to continue talking.
How about the flirt and flee? I got this the other night at the bar, where a guy came over and said, "I don't know you, but you and your friend are the hottest girls in this bar." Then, he walked out. Completely left. What was the point of it? Although I am in a committed relationship, I found it quite odd that the guy felt so compelled to come over and share that information with me, yet leave immediately afterwards. It shows a lack of confidence. Not to mention, yes, I'm taken, but the girl I was with isn't. He could've ended up really hitting it off with her, if he hadn't run away.
At least this is better than a guy who as your walking past or he is walking past, says something about you being hot, and then laughs with his friends. Congratulations, you have now received my "Tool of the bar" award. I will now avoid you and walking near you the entire night, and trash talk your outfit and your friends for the next minute in the bathroom. This also goes for the guy who wants to get a girls attention by being obnoxiously loud with his friends. Yes, now I'm looking at you. Trust me, this is a look of disgust or annoyance, not interest. You are the type of guy that ruins my night because I can't have a simple conversation with the person next to me, I get a headache and want to distance myself from you as much as possible. The type of girls you attract with this behavior, if that's what you're into, go for it. But they are very rarely quality girls. Yes, I hear you singing the song on the jukebox. I'm so proud you know all the words. I actually like this song and would like to hear it sung by the person who actually recorded it. There's a reason they made money off of it, and you didn't.
Which brings me to my biggest anger. What is up with the cat-calling in random places? I'm pumping gas, walking to work, or going somewhere, and I get a chorus of inappropriate comments, and then the guys beckon I come back and talk to them. When has that ever worked? When has a guy ever yelled, "Nice ass" to a girl as she's crossing the street, and the girl walks up and goes, "Oh my God, please have sex with me." Not to mention, if a girl did that her self-esteem is probably at negative 20, and you probably will end up hating her anyway. GUYS, STOP THIS. It does not work, it will not work, and in the rare exception it may work, it's not worth it. I understand your need to show off your testosterone or good eye for women in front of your guy friends, but why not keep it on the down low. Trust me, I don't want reinforcement on how my outfit looks, or how I look in it. If I walked out of the house in it, I approve, I don't need your approval along with it.
My point is, within the first five minutes of a girl talking to you, she probably knows whether or not she's interested in you, whether it be a relationship or sex. It's all about a spark with girls, you feel that instant chemistry. Yes, I'm not going to lie, it is based a lot on your appearance, but if a guy can make me smile or laugh within five minutes of meeting him, chances are I'm not gonna be opposed to having a conversation with him. Sometimes you have to be creative. This one night at the bar I was wearing a headband with zebra stripes on it. A guy sat next to me and said, "So is that made of real zebra?" The way he said it, I knew it was a joke, and it was clever enough to make me laugh. I'm not gonna date the guy, I probably wouldn't have dated him even if I was single at the time, but I did proceed to have a conversation with him and didn't feel awkward and uncomfortable the entire time. It's all about chemistry. Try what I tell you, and you'll increase your odds, but sometimes you can't win. The girl might be taken, the girl might still be head over heels for her ex, the girl might not be looking for anything, and the girl might not be interested in you. But you're never gonna find out if you're doing the wrong things. You REALLY won't find out if you never take a risk.
I felt like shedding some light on the situation for some of my single guy friends, and make some of my girl friends laugh because we've all had a guy hit on us in at least one of these annoying ways. Adjust your behavior and yes, the nice guy really can get the girl.
***** Added******
Also wanted to say that for the most part, it is not okay to touch a girl you don't know unless she has initiated contact first. Even at a club, hands on the hips is fine at first, but if you touch my boobs, ass, vagina, or even my stomach under my shirt, you're getting one warning where I remove your hands and then you're getting punched in the dick.
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