A very close friend of mine has a death wish. When he was 19 years old, an accident on a motorcycle caused him to be paralyzed for five days. He was run off the road and thrown off his bike. He was in the ICU for a week, and went to a rehab hospital for a month. Eventually he was able to walk. Now 23, he goes to school, has a job, and still rides motorcycles. He spends his days working, tinkering with his bike, and drinking himself into quite the stupor. He has never had a serious relationship. He lives an extremely reckless life, and wishes to die young, before he is 45, because of his back pain, and fear of it deteriorating further as he gets older. He does not believe in love. When I asked him if he loved his friends, he said some, and I told him I had hope that someday he will find a more intimate love. He disagrees. I tell him that love will find him because it always finds us when we are not looking for it. He still disagrees.
This fills me with such a great sadness because he truly is one of my best friends. I love him very much because he is someone I have gone to in some of my darker moments, and I do not like seeing him in his. I makes me fear for him when he drinks himself silly every night because he is so sad about how alone he is. I want him to see that he isn't alone. I want him to see that he has friends, and at very least I am there if he needs me, and that someday when he is ready he will find a girl who will appreciate him for all the great things he is. I hope for him that he will find someone to love him, and that she will fill him with such strength that he will want to grow old with her. That she will take care of him if his back does get worse, and she will stand by him through anything. I really do wish these dreams for him, but then I always get awoken by the sad fact that perhaps he will not. There are people, sometimes great people, who spend their lives alone. There are people out there that will never realize how truly brilliant their soul shines, and how much they affect those around them. It makes me want to tell every single person I come in contact with everyday how truly special they are, and that they are loved, at least by me. That is simply all that I can do.
How can people want to die? I have felt the feeling of hopelessness, thinking that all is lost and that death must be better than the pain I am feeling, but the moment is always fleeting. I have lost close ones to suicide, and the idea boggles my mind. I am so fearful of death, I am so scared of what comes after, that I cannot imagine taking my own life. The idea of someone willingly welcoming death is so foreign to me. Life has so much to offer, and while yes, it is at times painful, there can be so much good. The rewards that life has to offer has to outweigh the cost of pain, doesn't it? Life has the sweetest, simplest rewards, like the feel of clean bedsheets, the steam and heat of a long shower, the sweet taste of your favorite food, and yes, the rush of flying down the road atop a motorcycle. The delight in discovering new knowledge, in making someone smile, in creating something on your own. Traveling to a new place, getting lost and not caring, having a good hair day (well maybe that one is just for girls). To me, there are so many good feelings to be discovered that aren't even dependent on having someone else to share them with.
It makes me sad that he feels so alone, and it makes me sad that even though he is an incredible friend and an amazing person, that he may be alone as he feels he is destined to be. But...isn't there more to life than just being in love?
Everyone says how great love is, and it really is....but can we really ever fall in love with someone else if we don't learn to love life and ourselves first?
Is life worth it without love?
Because until this moment, I have always felt that life is all about love. Finding the person who shares these grand moments with you, and enjoys the simple times with you, and helps you when you're down. But, if I'm saying that love is what makes life worth living....then I'm saying that anyone who never knows love, never lived. Are we all so jaded? Are we chasing after something, and making it seem bigger than it really is? Or is it really that big and some people are cursed by God never to know it? That just seems unfair.
An episode of Sex and the City (I feel slightly ashamed to be quoting), Carrie asks "How many great loves do you think you get in a lifetime?" and a man replies, "great loves....well maybe one if you're lucky" Until now, I have considered this a good quote, thinking that yes, people are blessed to have one great love of their life. But now, I'm rethinking the quote and realizing that some people don't get a love of their lifetime. It makes me want to scream. How can someone live, how can someone exist, and not experience love? Maybe it is like prom, and it's a pivotal moment of one's life, but yet some choose not to partake, or some don't have the opportunity. But love just cannot be compared to prom, can it? Is it really something that people don't have to experience? Am I really that extremely blessed to have love? Is this just a foreign concept to me because I'm female, and females are taught from an early age that finding love is a way to complete themselves? Does he feel this way because he's a man? Should I just give up? Because I feel like I will pray for him to find love everyday until he finds it or until his reckless lifestyle brings about his end. I feel like even after he passes, if he had never found love I will be haunted by the thought. But what can I do? What can any of us do, except love the ones we love and make sure that no one ever feels unloved. Make people feel like life, however, painful it is, is worth living until its end. This issue is not resolved, but...what else can I say?
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