Friday, December 30, 2011

Saying Goodbye

So this is my first blog post so I feel obligated to start off by saying a few things about myself.  My name is Jennifer Wert, I preferred to be called Jenn.  I am 24 years old, almost 25.  I work as a manager for a small cafe, which consumes most of my life.  I got my degree at Shippensburg University, for English with a Writing Concentration.  I live in a small town, where the majority of the people I know, know each other, and therefore am blessed and cursed in knowing what is going on in each and everyone's lives.  I feel. Too much. I am a studier of people.  Therefore, my blog will probably be about the feelings of others, or potential writing exercises I have given myself in order to feel like I am still using my degree and not simply wasting away my dreams.

To begin.  I have been listening to someone speak for several weeks about their issues with a specific person of the opposite sex.  This girl has been discussing how this guy knows so much about her, and yet because of several problems they have discontinued their relationship with one another.  She still reaches out to him because of these problems, and he mistakes it for her babying him or caring for him.  She says, that it is hard for her, because she no longer has someone to go to who knows her so well that he can depict why she is feeling the way she is feeling about a certain situation and what to do to make her feel better.  Because the majority of the people she has gotten close to in the three years I have known her, have always ended up abandoning her in some way, she is closed off to opening up to another person, whether it be friend or potential relationship. Even though she does not crave a relationship with this person anymore, she cares about his life and grieves for yet another severed relationship.  It is so hard to say goodbye.

I am in a similar situation as of late.  Several months ago, I found myself speaking to an ex boyfriend of mine.  When we dated we were very young, and it could barely be considered a relationship because we spent relatively little time together, and never even kissed.  We simply held the title of boyfriend and girlfriend until trivial girl issues led me to break up with him.  Ten years later, we began speaking again, and it really led me to revel on how completely changed and yet still the same I really was.  In ten years, I had gone from brain-washed Christian fundamentalist who tried to "save" my friends and help them find Jesus to the girl who would dance on tables and sleep with fraternity boys as I got wasted and luckily ended up home at the end of each night.  I am long gone seemingly from the days of the drinking and dancing on table-tops, as this job has consumed my life and the responsibility I have been given allowed me to mature and become a new person as well, but being in the same town as I was in those immature days, I still find my way back to those viral habits from time to time.  As I began talking to this ex on a daily basis, I enlightened him on my new life and everything that has passed in between and found myself returning to a bit of my old self.  Not the bible-banging higher than mighty self, but the more innocent and naive person I used to be, not tainted by the reckless lifestyle.  I found myself finding a bit more light in my life, and not being so bogged down by all the darkness that had closed in.  It was nice to have someone to share my day with, who seemed interested and fascinated by all the stories I had to tell.  But this friendship became something more, and it was something I no longer wanted, because of the relationship I have with my boyfriend, who with everyday reminds me that I am meant to marry him.  So I cut off the friendship.  Mostly because I found out that the ex's words were so very contrary to his actions, and as he had spent months getting to know every detail about me, he had cleverly kept himself disguised, pretending to be something that he was not.  But still I find myself wondering, and missing that feeling of having someone to share your day with, and who knows why you feel the very way you feel. 

Why does the passing of time make everything so muddy?  Why does it have to change everything you do not wish to be changed, but sustain everything you wish could change?  Why has a year passed in my life and I feel like I have done nothing yet know I have done so much?  I admit that in the past year I have evolved and matured when it comes to my job, and I know I do it well (even if my boss refuses to admit it).  I know that I have developed relationships with people that I have longed to, and thank the Lord that I have finally known them and can call them my friends.  I know that I have become more financially independent and support myself well, and sometimes support my boyfriend when he needs it as well.  But these things seem so boring.  What worries me is how neglected I have been to my relationship this past year.  What worries me is how neglected I have been to life this past year.  I have done nothing but work and sleep.  The relationships I hold are with work acquaintances or friends that come into work to visit me.  I have my occasional trip to the bar and usually end up having a couple of drinks and a few conversations and then want to come home and return to my zombie state.  I know that this is not the life for myself, but it is hard to say goodbye.  When you say goodbye to something, or someone, it seems so uncertain.  You have no idea what will come, or how you will feel about it later.  But, it is time to make a change, and this blog is the start of mine.

I don't particularly care if anyone reads this, or finds it entertaining.  Perhaps someone will find it comforting to know there is someone in the world that feels what they are feeling.  Regardless, this blog is for me.  So, I will hopefully find my own comfort in writing.  Happy New Years to everyone. Make this year count.

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