"I want to say I lived each day, until I died
I know that I had something in, somebody's life
The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leave
That I made a difference, and this world will see
I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here"
This song has been coming up on my Pandora lately and is one of those songs that I really relate to. It's by Beyonce (don't judge). But one of the things I've been wanting to talk about on my blog relates to it, so I figured I'd start there.
For those who know me personally, it's pretty obvious that I am extremely excited and passionate about the idea of being a wife and mother someday. In fact, on an almost weekly basis people tell me how good of a mother or wife I'll be, which makes me happy because it is definitely something I want. But there have been some that tell me that I invest too much in the idea of becoming a wife and a mother. I want to dissuade those people of that believe right now.
I have developed my own identity. I am proud of who I am. Also, I know who I am, apart from a future wife and mother. I am a hard worker, a mostly selfless person, compassionate, giving, empathetic. I'm a writer. I'm spiritual. I'm a stickler for good grammar. I'm skinny but not athletic. I am very close with my family. I do things because I want to do them, not because everyone else does them. I love penguins, plaid, scarves, and horror movies. These qualities that I have developed over time are not because I want to be a good mother and wife. They are because I want to be a good person.
I do think about becoming a wife and a mother, perhaps more often than some people think I should, but it doesn't completely dictate my life. My actions, my behavior, my beliefs are not because I want to become a wife and a mother. I am who I am, because that's who I want to be. My life will not end if I don't become a wife and a mother. It is something I really want, however, I have already accepted the fact that because of my blood type, ovarian cysts, and anemia that I am at a high risk of being unable to conceive. Also, because my parents got divorced, I have vowed that I will not get married unless I am absolutely certain that I want to spend the rest of my life with that person. I want those things but they do not define me. Because at the end of the day, if I do not get those things, I will still be who I am.
Yes, they are important to me. Because everyone wants to matter. Everyone wants to be remembered when they are gone. Everyone wants to leave behind a legacy. To me, that means a lot of different things. I want my friends to feel like I was there for them. I want people to think I had a big heart. I want my effect on the people in my life, to still show after I'm gone. I want to write meaningful words that touch people after I'm gone as well. But yes, I also want to have a husband and children so that a piece of me remains after I'm gone. But my list is long of everything I want to leave behind, it does not merely consist of being a wife and mother.
I want people to know I was here.
Just because you want something, and just because you believe you'll be good at it, does not mean it makes you who you are. I'm sure that someday if I do become a wife and mother, that will become part of my identity. But it will not be the entire part, just like it is not the only part of me now.
So for those of you who think you know me, you have no idea. And because you make base assumptions about people without having in depth conversations with them, because you don't study why they do the things they do, because you can't possibly walk a mile in their shoes, you won't ever truly know others. So stop pretending you know everything. Stop pretending you have everyone figured out. Worry more about yourself, because right now your legacy, what you'd be leaving behind is a trail of your judgment of others.
I was here.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Chipper
Apparently this week is National Brother Week, and since I've been feeling very sentimental and appreciative of my family as of late, I wanted to write a blog entry dedicated to my brother.
This will be the first time I use names in my blog, but my brother's name is Chip, and when I was younger I would call him Chipper. He has been an extremely important part of my life. When we were younger, we lived in a very secluded country setting, and he was my best friend. We would create our own adventures, our own games. One of us would stand in a first floor room in our house and pretend we were a drive thru while the other would ride past and order food. We would climb ridges together, hike up into the forest, play in the creek, play power rangers, anything.
As we got older, we moved into a development. We would ride bikes in the development and build tree houses, plot revenge on our neighbors as we toilet papered their houses, or played midnight ghost in their back yards.
At some point our teasing towards each other became quite vicious. A rip formed in our relationship and we went our separate ways. But still, on occasion, we would find our way back again. Late on Monday nights we'd drive the 30-45 minute to our nearest Walmart and he'd buy new DVD's and we'd stay up all night watching them. On Christmas Eve, we'd stay up watching Southpark or other movies until it was time to open our presents. Then my parents got divorced, but the death of one of our friends stunned both of us in unimaginable ways. We both got lost.
Years later, his marriage to my wonderful sister-in-law, began to change our relationship for the better. It seemed our previous problems had finally scarred over, and we got back to being there for each other when we could. It was when I bawled my eyes out at his wedding that I realized the incredible man that he had become.
When I was younger, my life felt like I was always chasing after him. Like a little girl following him in the snow, I was always trying to jump in his footsteps so I didn't get stuck, but they were always so big and hard for me to follow. Now, instead of chasing after him, I have created a life for myself. But I still marvel at how big his footsteps are to me, and how far they've traveled. He is such a good role model to me.
He tries, so very hard at everything he does. Laziness is like a foreign word to him. He puts 100% into everything, his job, his marriage, his friendships. He is a true gentleman. His relationship with my sister-in-law, is the kind of relationship that people look at and are amazed, thinking it no longer exists. He respects her, she respects him, they take every step together, united. They talk every decision over together, and while I'm sure they fight on occasion (I mean, come on, they can't be that friggin perfect), they always work it out and you can tell. But the more incredible part is, neither of them are "whipped". They spend a lot of time together but it is because they enjoy spending time together. You can tell that they are each other's best friends. It is so amazing to have watched them blossom and shape into this perfect, ideal couple. The changes in him are completely evident. He has become someone I can really rely on. I can talk to him about my life, and instead of judging me, he gives me advice. I respect him so much and his approval will always matter to me. I, not only hope that I become as incredible of a person that he is, but I also hope that when I get married (to my boyfriend), that our marriage will be as healthy, fun, and incredible as his is.
As years have passed now, we have grown closer. And it really is a dream come true to me, to finally have that friend I had when I was so young back. He is such an amazing person and words cannot describe my love for him. A little sister could never be as lucky as I am to have been blessed with such a strong man to protect her and guide her through life.
Chip, I really do love you and am so very grateful to have you in my life. Happy National Brothers Week.
Okay, I think I've cried enough for today....so Thank you all for reading this.
This will be the first time I use names in my blog, but my brother's name is Chip, and when I was younger I would call him Chipper. He has been an extremely important part of my life. When we were younger, we lived in a very secluded country setting, and he was my best friend. We would create our own adventures, our own games. One of us would stand in a first floor room in our house and pretend we were a drive thru while the other would ride past and order food. We would climb ridges together, hike up into the forest, play in the creek, play power rangers, anything.
As we got older, we moved into a development. We would ride bikes in the development and build tree houses, plot revenge on our neighbors as we toilet papered their houses, or played midnight ghost in their back yards.
At some point our teasing towards each other became quite vicious. A rip formed in our relationship and we went our separate ways. But still, on occasion, we would find our way back again. Late on Monday nights we'd drive the 30-45 minute to our nearest Walmart and he'd buy new DVD's and we'd stay up all night watching them. On Christmas Eve, we'd stay up watching Southpark or other movies until it was time to open our presents. Then my parents got divorced, but the death of one of our friends stunned both of us in unimaginable ways. We both got lost.
Years later, his marriage to my wonderful sister-in-law, began to change our relationship for the better. It seemed our previous problems had finally scarred over, and we got back to being there for each other when we could. It was when I bawled my eyes out at his wedding that I realized the incredible man that he had become.
When I was younger, my life felt like I was always chasing after him. Like a little girl following him in the snow, I was always trying to jump in his footsteps so I didn't get stuck, but they were always so big and hard for me to follow. Now, instead of chasing after him, I have created a life for myself. But I still marvel at how big his footsteps are to me, and how far they've traveled. He is such a good role model to me.
He tries, so very hard at everything he does. Laziness is like a foreign word to him. He puts 100% into everything, his job, his marriage, his friendships. He is a true gentleman. His relationship with my sister-in-law, is the kind of relationship that people look at and are amazed, thinking it no longer exists. He respects her, she respects him, they take every step together, united. They talk every decision over together, and while I'm sure they fight on occasion (I mean, come on, they can't be that friggin perfect), they always work it out and you can tell. But the more incredible part is, neither of them are "whipped". They spend a lot of time together but it is because they enjoy spending time together. You can tell that they are each other's best friends. It is so amazing to have watched them blossom and shape into this perfect, ideal couple. The changes in him are completely evident. He has become someone I can really rely on. I can talk to him about my life, and instead of judging me, he gives me advice. I respect him so much and his approval will always matter to me. I, not only hope that I become as incredible of a person that he is, but I also hope that when I get married (to my boyfriend), that our marriage will be as healthy, fun, and incredible as his is.
As years have passed now, we have grown closer. And it really is a dream come true to me, to finally have that friend I had when I was so young back. He is such an amazing person and words cannot describe my love for him. A little sister could never be as lucky as I am to have been blessed with such a strong man to protect her and guide her through life.
Chip, I really do love you and am so very grateful to have you in my life. Happy National Brothers Week.
Okay, I think I've cried enough for today....so Thank you all for reading this.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Stop Blaming Him
Jealousy can destroy a relationship. While speaking to a friend the other day, the topic of jealousy came up and I want to share with my readers what I said to her.
If you are in a committed relationship, and there is a girl that speaks to your significant other, and is attracted to him, you need to break down the situation. First off, is this girl going to create enough drama to break you two up? Do you fear your significant other is going to cheat on you? If you believe he is, examine why. Has he demonstrated this kind of behavior before? Is your relationship lacking? If you come to the conclusion that he has cheated before, then has he done something to make up for this? Talk to your boyfriend and find out if he has any intention of cheating on you. If he assures you no, and you believe him, let it drop. Trust is essential. Yes, he may end up betraying your trust and you may end up broken hearted, but nagging him about the situation will probably break the two of you up anyway, and demanding he never see or talk to her again will probably stimulate the "forbidden" part of his brain and he'll be all the more intrigued.
My issue with jealousy, is that often girls will blame the boyfriend, when honestly, it's about YOU. You feel jealous of this other girl because she has something you don't have, whether it be your boyfriends attention, good looks, confidence, or whatever. When you're jealous of another girl, it is usually because you are insecure about something about yourself. So examine why you're insecure. Have you done something wrong, and your boyfriend is mad at you so you feel like he's going to cheat? Then make amends for what you did. If you're afraid of the attention he gives her, find ways (POSITIVE WAYS) to get him to pay attention to you. Reassure him that you are all the woman he needs. If you think she is prettier than you are, examine why you are insecure about your looks. Find ways to make yourself look pretty, and make you feel good about yourself. Before pointing the blame at others and becoming jealous, you need to look inside yourself.
Everyone feels jealous. Whether they're jealous of millionaires, models, their friends, or strangers, everyone ends up at one point or another feeling envious of another person. The important thing is not to let this jealousy control your life. Examine yourself, set a goal, hell, SET LOTS OF GOALS for how you can get what you want. But also, take a look at what you already have.
The world has become so obsessed with possessing everything. We want to put labels on people in our lives. You're MY "best friend". You're my boyfriend. You're my fiance. My husband. My family. Then we want to buy lots of material things, we want to own cars, and laptops, and cell phones, and houses, and eat great food, and do fun things, and go great places. We want to do it all. If we don't get everything we want, we get jealous of the people that have it. We drive ourselves crazy, feeling insecure because we don't have everything. But take a look at what you do have. Do you have a family? Friends? Are you there for them? Are they there for you? Do you have a support system? Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have food? Do you have some sort of outlet for the stress of your day? If you say yes to even one of these things, you are much more blessed than many. There are so many people who survive, and fight to live, who don't have any of those things. I'm not saying you shouldn't want anything out of life. I'm simply saying you should always take time to appreciate what you do have.
Everything does not have to be yours. Obtaining everything you want in the world won't make you special. You make yourself special. Find a millionaire who has a huge mansion and tons of cars and a whole group of followers. Then find the type of person who smiles everyday, and feels truly blessed for the few things they have. Which person do you find more beautiful? (When I say beautiful I mean inside and out, someone with a good heart). It's those people who make the world a good place. The people who suffer in silence, or not at all, because they realize how truly blessed they are to be alive at all.
It's natural to be jealous. It's human, even, to want more out of life. It's what helps us survive. But don't let yourself blame others for that feeling. You control your own jealousy. Look inside yourself and figure out why. Be at peace with who you are and what you have. Be beautiful.
If you are in a committed relationship, and there is a girl that speaks to your significant other, and is attracted to him, you need to break down the situation. First off, is this girl going to create enough drama to break you two up? Do you fear your significant other is going to cheat on you? If you believe he is, examine why. Has he demonstrated this kind of behavior before? Is your relationship lacking? If you come to the conclusion that he has cheated before, then has he done something to make up for this? Talk to your boyfriend and find out if he has any intention of cheating on you. If he assures you no, and you believe him, let it drop. Trust is essential. Yes, he may end up betraying your trust and you may end up broken hearted, but nagging him about the situation will probably break the two of you up anyway, and demanding he never see or talk to her again will probably stimulate the "forbidden" part of his brain and he'll be all the more intrigued.
My issue with jealousy, is that often girls will blame the boyfriend, when honestly, it's about YOU. You feel jealous of this other girl because she has something you don't have, whether it be your boyfriends attention, good looks, confidence, or whatever. When you're jealous of another girl, it is usually because you are insecure about something about yourself. So examine why you're insecure. Have you done something wrong, and your boyfriend is mad at you so you feel like he's going to cheat? Then make amends for what you did. If you're afraid of the attention he gives her, find ways (POSITIVE WAYS) to get him to pay attention to you. Reassure him that you are all the woman he needs. If you think she is prettier than you are, examine why you are insecure about your looks. Find ways to make yourself look pretty, and make you feel good about yourself. Before pointing the blame at others and becoming jealous, you need to look inside yourself.
Everyone feels jealous. Whether they're jealous of millionaires, models, their friends, or strangers, everyone ends up at one point or another feeling envious of another person. The important thing is not to let this jealousy control your life. Examine yourself, set a goal, hell, SET LOTS OF GOALS for how you can get what you want. But also, take a look at what you already have.
The world has become so obsessed with possessing everything. We want to put labels on people in our lives. You're MY "best friend". You're my boyfriend. You're my fiance. My husband. My family. Then we want to buy lots of material things, we want to own cars, and laptops, and cell phones, and houses, and eat great food, and do fun things, and go great places. We want to do it all. If we don't get everything we want, we get jealous of the people that have it. We drive ourselves crazy, feeling insecure because we don't have everything. But take a look at what you do have. Do you have a family? Friends? Are you there for them? Are they there for you? Do you have a support system? Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have food? Do you have some sort of outlet for the stress of your day? If you say yes to even one of these things, you are much more blessed than many. There are so many people who survive, and fight to live, who don't have any of those things. I'm not saying you shouldn't want anything out of life. I'm simply saying you should always take time to appreciate what you do have.
Everything does not have to be yours. Obtaining everything you want in the world won't make you special. You make yourself special. Find a millionaire who has a huge mansion and tons of cars and a whole group of followers. Then find the type of person who smiles everyday, and feels truly blessed for the few things they have. Which person do you find more beautiful? (When I say beautiful I mean inside and out, someone with a good heart). It's those people who make the world a good place. The people who suffer in silence, or not at all, because they realize how truly blessed they are to be alive at all.
It's natural to be jealous. It's human, even, to want more out of life. It's what helps us survive. But don't let yourself blame others for that feeling. You control your own jealousy. Look inside yourself and figure out why. Be at peace with who you are and what you have. Be beautiful.
Monday, January 16, 2012
There's a First Time For Everything
I took a brief hiatus from writing because I needed to sort out some of my own thoughts. I still am doing so, but have a few new topics on my mind to write about and wanted to share with my readers.
What is it that helps us decide what we truly like or want in life? I find that a lot of what I enjoy in life is stuff that I have previously been exposed to, while others are completely new elements added to my life that I never expected. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about first loves and the impact that they can leave on a person, especially if your first love is not your last love. Luckily for me, I don't think my first love will actually ever read my blog, so I can speak a little more freely about these sorts of things.
A lot of what I've found I look for in a guy is based off of my first love. Some things are lessons I've learned I don't want in a man, while others are things I wish for because he did them. I often wonder if he was what made those things so great, or if I actually like them, or if it was just the first love experience that draws me to those types of things. My first love essentially was the first guy I seriously kissed, and I think we all know what I mean by SERIOUS kissing in this aspect. A lot of the things about how he kissed me were things I enjoyed, but again I question why. Then there were other habitual behaviors that I've come to enjoy from my significant others in the past, that he originally did, and I wonder if it is that I truly enjoy them, or if this is perhaps some subconscious connection to the past.
When I was younger, my mom would always play with my hair. She would brush it, comb it after I had a shower or bath, or just run her fingers through my hair while I was laying in bed. It always helped put me to sleep. Now, it is something I enjoy my significant other to do, especially when I'm sick or stressed to help soothe me or to help me fall asleep. With this behavior, I feel it is closely tied to the feeling that I got from my mother way back when. I was calmed, I felt protected, and so obviously those are the types of qualities I would like in my significant other. I can clearly explain why this behavior is something I enjoy. But what about the small things?
What about the fact that the first guy I fell in love with, used to always tell me little reasons why he loved me, and most of the time they would be things I disliked about myself, like how I scrunch my nose when I laugh, or how short I am. Now when I am in a relationship, like now, I feel like because he was always reaffirming that he loved me and why, that I need to hear reasons why someone loves me, and I usually look for them to be the type of things that someone else wouldn't necessarily notice. Is this a quality that most girls have? Or is it something I've now been predisposed with because of my first relationship?
How much of it is my own personality and character? Even if I had not fallen in love with that person, would I still like to kiss the same way? Would I still enjoy the same things I do? Or is it solely because that's what he taught me to enjoy? How much are we effected by the things in our past?
I'm not saying I want to go back to my ex boyfriend from several, SEVERAL LONG years ago. I actually feel quite the opposite. In the past couple of weeks, I've taken a lot of time to examine my past, and have completely concluded that if given the choice, no offense boys, but I wouldn't choose to be with any of my exes again. I am very content with the guy that I am with, and absolutely positive that I am going to spend the rest of my life with him.
But reflecting the past has made me really wonder about myself, and in turn, about others and their pasts. When I kiss my boyfriend, does he only kiss me the way he does because years ago, when he had his first kiss, she liked to do it this way? I know it seems like such a trivial subject but, the past really shapes us.
People say that the past helps us to become who we're supposed to be, but we choose who to become because of it. However, I'm beginning to wonder, are there certain things that we don't really choose? I know that people change how they kiss with different people, girls are taught by Cosmo at least once a year how to train a guy to kiss the way you want him to. But it still doesn't change the fact that there are certain things that you enjoy when it comes to kissing, and pretty much every area of a relationship, and if you are training someone to do it your way, how do you know that your way is going to be enjoyable to them?
The first time something happens to you leaves a mark. There are expectations that follow. The first time you listen to a certain musician, you form an opinion. Certain songs can change your mind about your first impression, but usually you stick to your initial feelings. I know tons of people who associate whether or not they like a song by the situation they were in when they first heard it. So what if, we only ever listened to music in a good situation? Would we like ALL music?
Life truly is a butterfly effect. The smallest occurrence can change our entire lives without even realizing it. Our lives can change other peoples lives. Our reactions become others' reactions. As someone who cares very much about other people and how they feel, this is almost an overwhelming possibility. It almost makes me want to scrutinize every single thing I do in life and how it could possibly affect everyone around me, and even people that aren't around me. But I cannot control everything.
My only choice is to examine why I like the things I do, why I do the things I do, and after reflection, do the things that make me happy. Then, hope and pray, that in my own quest for happiness, I do not destroy other's chances at happiness. We can only do so much.
What happens now, will soon be my past. So if I am happy now, at the very least, I will have good memories to associate my likes with. The past will stay in the past, as in, I do not wish to revisit it. But I will not avoid the fact that the past is what has molded me into who I am as a person.
I'm sorry I talk so much about the past, and about how much our decisions affect those around us. They are simply topics that I tend to linger on in my mind when I'm left alone to torture myself.
Hopefully in the next couple of days I will have some more thought provoking blogs for you out there, and if not, I'm sure my mind will still be running at 10000 mph.
What is it that helps us decide what we truly like or want in life? I find that a lot of what I enjoy in life is stuff that I have previously been exposed to, while others are completely new elements added to my life that I never expected. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about first loves and the impact that they can leave on a person, especially if your first love is not your last love. Luckily for me, I don't think my first love will actually ever read my blog, so I can speak a little more freely about these sorts of things.
A lot of what I've found I look for in a guy is based off of my first love. Some things are lessons I've learned I don't want in a man, while others are things I wish for because he did them. I often wonder if he was what made those things so great, or if I actually like them, or if it was just the first love experience that draws me to those types of things. My first love essentially was the first guy I seriously kissed, and I think we all know what I mean by SERIOUS kissing in this aspect. A lot of the things about how he kissed me were things I enjoyed, but again I question why. Then there were other habitual behaviors that I've come to enjoy from my significant others in the past, that he originally did, and I wonder if it is that I truly enjoy them, or if this is perhaps some subconscious connection to the past.
When I was younger, my mom would always play with my hair. She would brush it, comb it after I had a shower or bath, or just run her fingers through my hair while I was laying in bed. It always helped put me to sleep. Now, it is something I enjoy my significant other to do, especially when I'm sick or stressed to help soothe me or to help me fall asleep. With this behavior, I feel it is closely tied to the feeling that I got from my mother way back when. I was calmed, I felt protected, and so obviously those are the types of qualities I would like in my significant other. I can clearly explain why this behavior is something I enjoy. But what about the small things?
What about the fact that the first guy I fell in love with, used to always tell me little reasons why he loved me, and most of the time they would be things I disliked about myself, like how I scrunch my nose when I laugh, or how short I am. Now when I am in a relationship, like now, I feel like because he was always reaffirming that he loved me and why, that I need to hear reasons why someone loves me, and I usually look for them to be the type of things that someone else wouldn't necessarily notice. Is this a quality that most girls have? Or is it something I've now been predisposed with because of my first relationship?
How much of it is my own personality and character? Even if I had not fallen in love with that person, would I still like to kiss the same way? Would I still enjoy the same things I do? Or is it solely because that's what he taught me to enjoy? How much are we effected by the things in our past?
I'm not saying I want to go back to my ex boyfriend from several, SEVERAL LONG years ago. I actually feel quite the opposite. In the past couple of weeks, I've taken a lot of time to examine my past, and have completely concluded that if given the choice, no offense boys, but I wouldn't choose to be with any of my exes again. I am very content with the guy that I am with, and absolutely positive that I am going to spend the rest of my life with him.
But reflecting the past has made me really wonder about myself, and in turn, about others and their pasts. When I kiss my boyfriend, does he only kiss me the way he does because years ago, when he had his first kiss, she liked to do it this way? I know it seems like such a trivial subject but, the past really shapes us.
People say that the past helps us to become who we're supposed to be, but we choose who to become because of it. However, I'm beginning to wonder, are there certain things that we don't really choose? I know that people change how they kiss with different people, girls are taught by Cosmo at least once a year how to train a guy to kiss the way you want him to. But it still doesn't change the fact that there are certain things that you enjoy when it comes to kissing, and pretty much every area of a relationship, and if you are training someone to do it your way, how do you know that your way is going to be enjoyable to them?
The first time something happens to you leaves a mark. There are expectations that follow. The first time you listen to a certain musician, you form an opinion. Certain songs can change your mind about your first impression, but usually you stick to your initial feelings. I know tons of people who associate whether or not they like a song by the situation they were in when they first heard it. So what if, we only ever listened to music in a good situation? Would we like ALL music?
Life truly is a butterfly effect. The smallest occurrence can change our entire lives without even realizing it. Our lives can change other peoples lives. Our reactions become others' reactions. As someone who cares very much about other people and how they feel, this is almost an overwhelming possibility. It almost makes me want to scrutinize every single thing I do in life and how it could possibly affect everyone around me, and even people that aren't around me. But I cannot control everything.
My only choice is to examine why I like the things I do, why I do the things I do, and after reflection, do the things that make me happy. Then, hope and pray, that in my own quest for happiness, I do not destroy other's chances at happiness. We can only do so much.
What happens now, will soon be my past. So if I am happy now, at the very least, I will have good memories to associate my likes with. The past will stay in the past, as in, I do not wish to revisit it. But I will not avoid the fact that the past is what has molded me into who I am as a person.
I'm sorry I talk so much about the past, and about how much our decisions affect those around us. They are simply topics that I tend to linger on in my mind when I'm left alone to torture myself.
Hopefully in the next couple of days I will have some more thought provoking blogs for you out there, and if not, I'm sure my mind will still be running at 10000 mph.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Life is Fleeting.
With the impending doom of my 25th birthday so close at hand, I have been having a mixture of freak-outs and ecstatic outbursts that lead me to wonder where I really stand. When I was 17 or 18, I started making lists of what I wanted to do by a certain age. When I hit 20, half of these things had not come to completion, so I made another one of things I wanted to do by the time I was 25. When I turned 24, I looked at the list, and crossed off things I knew were not going to happen within the next year, added a few more plausible things, and still have not achieved everything on the list. This year, I feel like instead of making a list of things I want to do before I'm thirty, I just want to make a list of things I want to DO. Then, I'm going to go DO them. Whether it be setting a time-line, and writing in my planner "THIS IS WHEN YOU CAN DO THIS", or just going out and doing them one day when I'm bored, I really want to live. Life is fleeting. There are so many people in my life who have passed away before their time, and I really shouldn't feel like I have the leisure of even living until I'm 30. Hell, I could be hit by a car crossing the street to work tomorrow. I could die in my sleep from some crazy brain aneurysm that has a 1 in a million shot of happening. The point is, life isn't certain. Everyone goes through these periods of time, but honestly, right now I am so beyond content with my life right now that I can't understand how I let myself be a zombie the past year. And it's so simple of a change, it's my mentality. Right now, I spent everyday reading or doing some sort of craft I enjoy, working, and then I come home and either my boyfriend has made supper for me, or I begin to make supper for him, he comes home, we eat, we watch tv or a movie, we have "us" time, I have a cup of hot tea and do something to unwind, and then we curl up in bed together and I drift peacefully off to sleep. It's so simple it seems, but it is wonderful. The future I have been waiting for so desperately, seems within my grasp that soon we will be leaving this town behind and moving off in our own place together (we already live together but have a roommate), and having our life together. And this past year I've sat around and thought that when we move away our life will begin, but news flash Jenn, it's already in play. I had put myself in time out waiting for my life to start, and it was running past me full speed already. And with the simple change of a mindset, with the simple second of me stepping back and thinking, "I am very lucky, I am very happy, I'm just not appreciating it" it has all changed.
Life is what you make it. You can sit around and mope and be all woe-is-me. You can become numb and zombie-like and do the same old thing every day without a care. But life is what you make it. You want to be happy? Surround yourself with the things you love, people, hobbies, but you have to do something about it. Happiness won't come up and kick you in the face and say, "Honey, I'm home." All the best things in life can be missed if you don't take the time to notice and appreciate them.
I am happy. I am joyful. I am content.
A friend once told me that when I get old I'm going to have wrinkles because I smile and laugh so much.
I can live with that.
I'm going to live. I hope you'll join me. Whether it be that I decide to go dance in the rain (something I love to do), sing loudly at the top of my lungs at work, jump out of a plane (hahaha no way), or take a roadtrip....it could be something small, or something huge, but it means something to me. It's called living. Don't you want to be alive????
Stop settling for your boring life and laugh so hard you start crying, cry so hard you start laughing, skip in front of everyone and not give a damn. Just live, and LOVE LIFE.
***If anyone has any suggestions for my bucket list, or can help me with something I want to do on my bucket list, let me know.
Life is what you make it. You can sit around and mope and be all woe-is-me. You can become numb and zombie-like and do the same old thing every day without a care. But life is what you make it. You want to be happy? Surround yourself with the things you love, people, hobbies, but you have to do something about it. Happiness won't come up and kick you in the face and say, "Honey, I'm home." All the best things in life can be missed if you don't take the time to notice and appreciate them.
I am happy. I am joyful. I am content.
A friend once told me that when I get old I'm going to have wrinkles because I smile and laugh so much.
I can live with that.
I'm going to live. I hope you'll join me. Whether it be that I decide to go dance in the rain (something I love to do), sing loudly at the top of my lungs at work, jump out of a plane (hahaha no way), or take a roadtrip....it could be something small, or something huge, but it means something to me. It's called living. Don't you want to be alive????
Stop settling for your boring life and laugh so hard you start crying, cry so hard you start laughing, skip in front of everyone and not give a damn. Just live, and LOVE LIFE.
***If anyone has any suggestions for my bucket list, or can help me with something I want to do on my bucket list, let me know.
Telephone
When I was in junior high and high school, I had a friend who was a huge drama queen because she always wanted attention. She would scream and shout and do anything to make people look at her. I figured out one day, sadly, that the best way to spread a rumor about her, was to tell her I had heard something about her. "I heard someone saying you're pregnant." She would then go around the entire school screaming and asking everyone, "Did you hear the rumor I was pregnant? Oh my God" and by the end of the day, everyone would have heard the rumor...because of her.
It's funny how easily rumors spread, and how easily they get distorted and warped by each person who tells them. One person tells someone that they think a person is cute, then another person says that they saw the two of them at this event talking, then another person says that they went home together, and then another person says that they had sex, and so on and so forth. It's ludicrous.
People don't choose their words carefully enough for one. So when one person goes to reiterate the original persons statement, they may use a word that they think is the same but conveys a different meaning. Upset can mean the person is sad, frustrated, or angry. Everyone seems to end up getting mixed messages. Then there is people who don't even see the event clearly, and feel the need to reiterate it to other people.
I find the best policy when it comes to rumors is to never believe it, unless the person it is about is telling me to my face. Even then, if I am repeating what they have said I try to take care of my word choice to make sure I'm reiterating the same message. If someone tells me something about someone else, I reserve my judgment until I know the real story from the person involved.
Everyone sees things differently, feels different ways, interprets words in their own way, and therefore you can never really trust that something is true. So why say it in the first place? Why repeat what someone else has told you? It's ludicrous.
I'm not saying I haven't spread my own rumors; I know I have unfortunately. But if we start with ourselves, and make a vow to at least try and be better about it....maybe people will stop getting hurt. Maybe people will stop losing things they care about, or being offended, or feeling a certain way about a certain person, if the rumors stop.
I'm all about trying to do what I can to make the world a little better, starting with myself. One tiny step, to maybe someday make a difference.
It's funny how easily rumors spread, and how easily they get distorted and warped by each person who tells them. One person tells someone that they think a person is cute, then another person says that they saw the two of them at this event talking, then another person says that they went home together, and then another person says that they had sex, and so on and so forth. It's ludicrous.
People don't choose their words carefully enough for one. So when one person goes to reiterate the original persons statement, they may use a word that they think is the same but conveys a different meaning. Upset can mean the person is sad, frustrated, or angry. Everyone seems to end up getting mixed messages. Then there is people who don't even see the event clearly, and feel the need to reiterate it to other people.
I find the best policy when it comes to rumors is to never believe it, unless the person it is about is telling me to my face. Even then, if I am repeating what they have said I try to take care of my word choice to make sure I'm reiterating the same message. If someone tells me something about someone else, I reserve my judgment until I know the real story from the person involved.
Everyone sees things differently, feels different ways, interprets words in their own way, and therefore you can never really trust that something is true. So why say it in the first place? Why repeat what someone else has told you? It's ludicrous.
I'm not saying I haven't spread my own rumors; I know I have unfortunately. But if we start with ourselves, and make a vow to at least try and be better about it....maybe people will stop getting hurt. Maybe people will stop losing things they care about, or being offended, or feeling a certain way about a certain person, if the rumors stop.
I'm all about trying to do what I can to make the world a little better, starting with myself. One tiny step, to maybe someday make a difference.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Control Freak
I make lists. I make lists of the lists I need to make before I make my lists. I make sublists, and bullet points, and then I write out in detail what I think next to the bullet points. My outlines can turn into 20 page papers. It makes me feel more organized, but at times makes my life even more chaotic. Lists everywhere. Lists of all the books I've read, lists of the books I want to read, list of the movies I've watched, lists of what I want to watch, lists of what needs cleaned, lists of my dreams, lists, lists, lists.
Most of the time I get so exhausted from making a list that most of the stuff on the list never gets done.
My obsession for control has gone so far that I have lost all control. I need to let go. But I simply do not know how.
I want to be organized, I want to not forget anything in the entire world. I read, I write, so having things written down for me is my way of processing the information. I have a great storage unit in my brain but it's easier for me to access them if they are on paper.
Why do I feel such a need for control? I cannot control everything in the world. I can't even control the things in my own little world, so why can't I let it go? Why does the world feel the need to control the uncontrollable?
This isn't a blog where I am really searching for answers because the truth is, there aren't really any answers. It's people's nature to want to control things, and it's the world's nature to be chaotic. I needed to vent. End of story.
Most of the time I get so exhausted from making a list that most of the stuff on the list never gets done.
My obsession for control has gone so far that I have lost all control. I need to let go. But I simply do not know how.
I want to be organized, I want to not forget anything in the entire world. I read, I write, so having things written down for me is my way of processing the information. I have a great storage unit in my brain but it's easier for me to access them if they are on paper.
Why do I feel such a need for control? I cannot control everything in the world. I can't even control the things in my own little world, so why can't I let it go? Why does the world feel the need to control the uncontrollable?
This isn't a blog where I am really searching for answers because the truth is, there aren't really any answers. It's people's nature to want to control things, and it's the world's nature to be chaotic. I needed to vent. End of story.
Monday, January 9, 2012
I Am Not A Self Help Book, I'm Just Awesome.
I have been trying to avoid this blog becoming about me giving advice for others, especially dating advice. But one of my friends commented about my blog yesterday, mentioning about how a lack of confidence can be what a girl picks up on to make her not interested in a guy. I decided that I would devote a blog to talking about confidence, and then put the relationship advice to bed for awhile.
"Confidence is key." It is true, that girls tend to be attracted to a guy with confidence, and can pick up when a guy is uncertain. So what happens to those poor guys without confidence? They get the boot; they get put in the friend zone; they get rejected. But it's not easy to find confidence, they don't sell it at the dollar store, so then what?
I tend to be a clever mix of confidence and insecurity. I get dressed up from time to time and know I look great, and when I go out looking all pretty it really boosts my mood. One thing you can do for yourself is like who you are in the mirror. I'm not saying get plastic surgery! I'm saying, look at yourself in the mirror and stop hating yourself. Everyone's definitions of beauty are different. For girls, we can adjust and tweak our appearance to improve upon ourselves. Guys don't really have the same leisure. But as guys encourage natural beauty from girls, I feel the same way. Look at yourself in the mirror and learn to like what you see. If you don't like your weight, that can be changed with discipline and dedication. But other things cannot be changed, and quite frankly, not every single girl in the entire world is going to feel the way you do about yourself. Learn to love the way you look. Then dress the way you feel best, what makes you look at yourself and go, "Damn I look good," and that's a good start to confidence.
You have to look inside too. A lot of guys I know feel undeserving of a relationship or wonder why they aren't in a relationship, but yet they constantly are down on themselves and their own personalities. You are who you are. What do you love about that girl you adore? It's probably not solely about her looks, it's probably those quirky little things that she does, that chances are, she hates. A girl is going to love you for your own quirky little things, BUT you have to find the right girl. That takes time. Some people get lucky, but some people don't. And while you're waiting for the right girl to recognize your quirky little behaviors, you might as well learn to love yourself.
They say, fake it till you make it, but honestly, that only goes so far. When it comes to who you are as a person, if you're down on yourself, CHANGE IT. If you worry so much about what other people think, maybe you need to examine why you worry. What is it about yourself that makes you feel like people wouldn't like you? Is it a genuine concern, or is it irrational? Could you change it? Would it benefit you if you did? I'm not saying change for other people. But if you really think that being a different way would help you feel better about yourself, then GO FOR IT! Life is about evolving, adapting, and at the end of the day we are still the same at the core.
Say you are insecure because you feel people don't like you because you're awkward. Do you think your life would be better if you didn't feel awkward? What can you do to ease your mind and be less awkward? Why are you awkward? How can you fix it? Do you want to fix it? Or do you think that someday, maybe a girl will love you for it? That's the mental process to go through. Don't completely change yourself for acceptance from others, but accept yourself. And if you absolutely cannot accept yourself, then do what you feel will make you better, do what you think will make you happy!
If you feel good about yourself, then you don't worry so much about what other people think. I'm not saying you don't CARE what other people think, I'm saying you don't WORRY. Please be clear on that. There is a difference. It is okay to care what other people think; it's good to care in general. It is not good to worry yourself sick about what other people think, especially when it's irrational and beyond your control.
When you are happy with who you are as a person, then you will portray that confidence. A girl will pick up on it and think, "Wow, this guy really seems confident and secure with who he is. I wonder why he feels that way, he must be pretty amazing." A lot of douchebag guys act confident and portray confidence and that's why they get girls. But it never lasts. The difference with you is that if you look at yourself in the mirror, you like how you look, and you like who you are, the girl will pick up on it. If you're not faking it, some girl will find it endearing, some girl will like you for it. And if you're happy with who you are, then you'll make it easy for her to love you.
You have to love yourself before others will love you. Get in touch with who you are, and why you're happy to be you. Find your passion, do it often, tell yourself why you like yourself, be proud of who you are, and live your life how you want to be. I may sound like a mushy self-help book right now but in my mind it's true. A guy doesn't have to be a jerk to get noticed by a girl. Hold yourself in high-esteem. If you're proud of who you are, some girl will be proud of it too.
"Confidence is key." It is true, that girls tend to be attracted to a guy with confidence, and can pick up when a guy is uncertain. So what happens to those poor guys without confidence? They get the boot; they get put in the friend zone; they get rejected. But it's not easy to find confidence, they don't sell it at the dollar store, so then what?
I tend to be a clever mix of confidence and insecurity. I get dressed up from time to time and know I look great, and when I go out looking all pretty it really boosts my mood. One thing you can do for yourself is like who you are in the mirror. I'm not saying get plastic surgery! I'm saying, look at yourself in the mirror and stop hating yourself. Everyone's definitions of beauty are different. For girls, we can adjust and tweak our appearance to improve upon ourselves. Guys don't really have the same leisure. But as guys encourage natural beauty from girls, I feel the same way. Look at yourself in the mirror and learn to like what you see. If you don't like your weight, that can be changed with discipline and dedication. But other things cannot be changed, and quite frankly, not every single girl in the entire world is going to feel the way you do about yourself. Learn to love the way you look. Then dress the way you feel best, what makes you look at yourself and go, "Damn I look good," and that's a good start to confidence.
You have to look inside too. A lot of guys I know feel undeserving of a relationship or wonder why they aren't in a relationship, but yet they constantly are down on themselves and their own personalities. You are who you are. What do you love about that girl you adore? It's probably not solely about her looks, it's probably those quirky little things that she does, that chances are, she hates. A girl is going to love you for your own quirky little things, BUT you have to find the right girl. That takes time. Some people get lucky, but some people don't. And while you're waiting for the right girl to recognize your quirky little behaviors, you might as well learn to love yourself.
They say, fake it till you make it, but honestly, that only goes so far. When it comes to who you are as a person, if you're down on yourself, CHANGE IT. If you worry so much about what other people think, maybe you need to examine why you worry. What is it about yourself that makes you feel like people wouldn't like you? Is it a genuine concern, or is it irrational? Could you change it? Would it benefit you if you did? I'm not saying change for other people. But if you really think that being a different way would help you feel better about yourself, then GO FOR IT! Life is about evolving, adapting, and at the end of the day we are still the same at the core.
Say you are insecure because you feel people don't like you because you're awkward. Do you think your life would be better if you didn't feel awkward? What can you do to ease your mind and be less awkward? Why are you awkward? How can you fix it? Do you want to fix it? Or do you think that someday, maybe a girl will love you for it? That's the mental process to go through. Don't completely change yourself for acceptance from others, but accept yourself. And if you absolutely cannot accept yourself, then do what you feel will make you better, do what you think will make you happy!
If you feel good about yourself, then you don't worry so much about what other people think. I'm not saying you don't CARE what other people think, I'm saying you don't WORRY. Please be clear on that. There is a difference. It is okay to care what other people think; it's good to care in general. It is not good to worry yourself sick about what other people think, especially when it's irrational and beyond your control.
When you are happy with who you are as a person, then you will portray that confidence. A girl will pick up on it and think, "Wow, this guy really seems confident and secure with who he is. I wonder why he feels that way, he must be pretty amazing." A lot of douchebag guys act confident and portray confidence and that's why they get girls. But it never lasts. The difference with you is that if you look at yourself in the mirror, you like how you look, and you like who you are, the girl will pick up on it. If you're not faking it, some girl will find it endearing, some girl will like you for it. And if you're happy with who you are, then you'll make it easy for her to love you.
You have to love yourself before others will love you. Get in touch with who you are, and why you're happy to be you. Find your passion, do it often, tell yourself why you like yourself, be proud of who you are, and live your life how you want to be. I may sound like a mushy self-help book right now but in my mind it's true. A guy doesn't have to be a jerk to get noticed by a girl. Hold yourself in high-esteem. If you're proud of who you are, some girl will be proud of it too.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Sometimes You Can't Win
Men hit on women at bars, and restaurants, and in the supermarket, and at Sheetz, and on the street. They hit on women. Whether the ulterior motive is to get laid or to make a genuine connection, is irrelevant. Well, okay, so maybe it's relevant, but not completely relevant to what I'm talking about today. It's your approach. Because no matter how you decide to approach a girl, you may be doomed from the start.
For example, there are several different ways I have been approached at a bar. There's the guy across the bar who sends you a free drink and never actually comes over to talk to you. This is slightly nice, yet slightly creepy. It's like, "Thank you sir for giving me a free drink. I'm sorry you didn't have the courage or enough interest to come over and actually have a conversation with me." This is also helpful though, because the typical guys who use this approach are older guys who I really have no interest in having a conversation with, so I can avoid awkwardness by making eye contact, giving them a smile and a nod while sipping on my drink to acknowledge I appreciate it. Luckily for me, I go to a bar where I know all the bartenders, and know that no matter how much the guy tipped the bartender, the bartender is not going to roofie my drink.
Then there's the guy who buys your drink and brings it over. I'm not a huge fan of this guy, because there's the simple principle that, maybe I don't want your drink. Maybe you're going to buy me some nasty ass drink that I hate, and now you're standing next to me, trying to talk to me and I have to bear with it and try to act as if I'm fine, so I don't offend you. Then there's the obligation of actually talking to you because you bought me a free drink in the first place. I think if you're one of these guys, your best bet is to ask the bartender what the girl is drinking, get her another one, when she's almost done with her original drink, and keep the conversation brief. Bring it over to her, ask her why she likes it, say whatever it was that initially compelled you to buy her the drink, like you think she's pretty, and then bid her a good night and walk away. If she's interested in you, she'll find a way to continue the conversation herself, or come over to you later in the night. Watch for body language!!! If she's avoiding your gaze, her body is basically turned away from you, or she's staring at her friend the entire time for reinforcement, chances are she's over talking to you and wants you to leave her alone.
How about the guy who doesn't buy you a drink but stands right next to you and starts to hit you up for a conversation? This can be a harmless, but you have to keep in mind the time of your conversation. Again, watch her body language, and keep the conversation brief. She will come to you or give you a sign if she wants to continue talking.
How about the flirt and flee? I got this the other night at the bar, where a guy came over and said, "I don't know you, but you and your friend are the hottest girls in this bar." Then, he walked out. Completely left. What was the point of it? Although I am in a committed relationship, I found it quite odd that the guy felt so compelled to come over and share that information with me, yet leave immediately afterwards. It shows a lack of confidence. Not to mention, yes, I'm taken, but the girl I was with isn't. He could've ended up really hitting it off with her, if he hadn't run away.
At least this is better than a guy who as your walking past or he is walking past, says something about you being hot, and then laughs with his friends. Congratulations, you have now received my "Tool of the bar" award. I will now avoid you and walking near you the entire night, and trash talk your outfit and your friends for the next minute in the bathroom. This also goes for the guy who wants to get a girls attention by being obnoxiously loud with his friends. Yes, now I'm looking at you. Trust me, this is a look of disgust or annoyance, not interest. You are the type of guy that ruins my night because I can't have a simple conversation with the person next to me, I get a headache and want to distance myself from you as much as possible. The type of girls you attract with this behavior, if that's what you're into, go for it. But they are very rarely quality girls. Yes, I hear you singing the song on the jukebox. I'm so proud you know all the words. I actually like this song and would like to hear it sung by the person who actually recorded it. There's a reason they made money off of it, and you didn't.
Which brings me to my biggest anger. What is up with the cat-calling in random places? I'm pumping gas, walking to work, or going somewhere, and I get a chorus of inappropriate comments, and then the guys beckon I come back and talk to them. When has that ever worked? When has a guy ever yelled, "Nice ass" to a girl as she's crossing the street, and the girl walks up and goes, "Oh my God, please have sex with me." Not to mention, if a girl did that her self-esteem is probably at negative 20, and you probably will end up hating her anyway. GUYS, STOP THIS. It does not work, it will not work, and in the rare exception it may work, it's not worth it. I understand your need to show off your testosterone or good eye for women in front of your guy friends, but why not keep it on the down low. Trust me, I don't want reinforcement on how my outfit looks, or how I look in it. If I walked out of the house in it, I approve, I don't need your approval along with it.
My point is, within the first five minutes of a girl talking to you, she probably knows whether or not she's interested in you, whether it be a relationship or sex. It's all about a spark with girls, you feel that instant chemistry. Yes, I'm not going to lie, it is based a lot on your appearance, but if a guy can make me smile or laugh within five minutes of meeting him, chances are I'm not gonna be opposed to having a conversation with him. Sometimes you have to be creative. This one night at the bar I was wearing a headband with zebra stripes on it. A guy sat next to me and said, "So is that made of real zebra?" The way he said it, I knew it was a joke, and it was clever enough to make me laugh. I'm not gonna date the guy, I probably wouldn't have dated him even if I was single at the time, but I did proceed to have a conversation with him and didn't feel awkward and uncomfortable the entire time. It's all about chemistry. Try what I tell you, and you'll increase your odds, but sometimes you can't win. The girl might be taken, the girl might still be head over heels for her ex, the girl might not be looking for anything, and the girl might not be interested in you. But you're never gonna find out if you're doing the wrong things. You REALLY won't find out if you never take a risk.
I felt like shedding some light on the situation for some of my single guy friends, and make some of my girl friends laugh because we've all had a guy hit on us in at least one of these annoying ways. Adjust your behavior and yes, the nice guy really can get the girl.
***** Added******
Also wanted to say that for the most part, it is not okay to touch a girl you don't know unless she has initiated contact first. Even at a club, hands on the hips is fine at first, but if you touch my boobs, ass, vagina, or even my stomach under my shirt, you're getting one warning where I remove your hands and then you're getting punched in the dick.
For example, there are several different ways I have been approached at a bar. There's the guy across the bar who sends you a free drink and never actually comes over to talk to you. This is slightly nice, yet slightly creepy. It's like, "Thank you sir for giving me a free drink. I'm sorry you didn't have the courage or enough interest to come over and actually have a conversation with me." This is also helpful though, because the typical guys who use this approach are older guys who I really have no interest in having a conversation with, so I can avoid awkwardness by making eye contact, giving them a smile and a nod while sipping on my drink to acknowledge I appreciate it. Luckily for me, I go to a bar where I know all the bartenders, and know that no matter how much the guy tipped the bartender, the bartender is not going to roofie my drink.
Then there's the guy who buys your drink and brings it over. I'm not a huge fan of this guy, because there's the simple principle that, maybe I don't want your drink. Maybe you're going to buy me some nasty ass drink that I hate, and now you're standing next to me, trying to talk to me and I have to bear with it and try to act as if I'm fine, so I don't offend you. Then there's the obligation of actually talking to you because you bought me a free drink in the first place. I think if you're one of these guys, your best bet is to ask the bartender what the girl is drinking, get her another one, when she's almost done with her original drink, and keep the conversation brief. Bring it over to her, ask her why she likes it, say whatever it was that initially compelled you to buy her the drink, like you think she's pretty, and then bid her a good night and walk away. If she's interested in you, she'll find a way to continue the conversation herself, or come over to you later in the night. Watch for body language!!! If she's avoiding your gaze, her body is basically turned away from you, or she's staring at her friend the entire time for reinforcement, chances are she's over talking to you and wants you to leave her alone.
How about the guy who doesn't buy you a drink but stands right next to you and starts to hit you up for a conversation? This can be a harmless, but you have to keep in mind the time of your conversation. Again, watch her body language, and keep the conversation brief. She will come to you or give you a sign if she wants to continue talking.
How about the flirt and flee? I got this the other night at the bar, where a guy came over and said, "I don't know you, but you and your friend are the hottest girls in this bar." Then, he walked out. Completely left. What was the point of it? Although I am in a committed relationship, I found it quite odd that the guy felt so compelled to come over and share that information with me, yet leave immediately afterwards. It shows a lack of confidence. Not to mention, yes, I'm taken, but the girl I was with isn't. He could've ended up really hitting it off with her, if he hadn't run away.
At least this is better than a guy who as your walking past or he is walking past, says something about you being hot, and then laughs with his friends. Congratulations, you have now received my "Tool of the bar" award. I will now avoid you and walking near you the entire night, and trash talk your outfit and your friends for the next minute in the bathroom. This also goes for the guy who wants to get a girls attention by being obnoxiously loud with his friends. Yes, now I'm looking at you. Trust me, this is a look of disgust or annoyance, not interest. You are the type of guy that ruins my night because I can't have a simple conversation with the person next to me, I get a headache and want to distance myself from you as much as possible. The type of girls you attract with this behavior, if that's what you're into, go for it. But they are very rarely quality girls. Yes, I hear you singing the song on the jukebox. I'm so proud you know all the words. I actually like this song and would like to hear it sung by the person who actually recorded it. There's a reason they made money off of it, and you didn't.
Which brings me to my biggest anger. What is up with the cat-calling in random places? I'm pumping gas, walking to work, or going somewhere, and I get a chorus of inappropriate comments, and then the guys beckon I come back and talk to them. When has that ever worked? When has a guy ever yelled, "Nice ass" to a girl as she's crossing the street, and the girl walks up and goes, "Oh my God, please have sex with me." Not to mention, if a girl did that her self-esteem is probably at negative 20, and you probably will end up hating her anyway. GUYS, STOP THIS. It does not work, it will not work, and in the rare exception it may work, it's not worth it. I understand your need to show off your testosterone or good eye for women in front of your guy friends, but why not keep it on the down low. Trust me, I don't want reinforcement on how my outfit looks, or how I look in it. If I walked out of the house in it, I approve, I don't need your approval along with it.
My point is, within the first five minutes of a girl talking to you, she probably knows whether or not she's interested in you, whether it be a relationship or sex. It's all about a spark with girls, you feel that instant chemistry. Yes, I'm not going to lie, it is based a lot on your appearance, but if a guy can make me smile or laugh within five minutes of meeting him, chances are I'm not gonna be opposed to having a conversation with him. Sometimes you have to be creative. This one night at the bar I was wearing a headband with zebra stripes on it. A guy sat next to me and said, "So is that made of real zebra?" The way he said it, I knew it was a joke, and it was clever enough to make me laugh. I'm not gonna date the guy, I probably wouldn't have dated him even if I was single at the time, but I did proceed to have a conversation with him and didn't feel awkward and uncomfortable the entire time. It's all about chemistry. Try what I tell you, and you'll increase your odds, but sometimes you can't win. The girl might be taken, the girl might still be head over heels for her ex, the girl might not be looking for anything, and the girl might not be interested in you. But you're never gonna find out if you're doing the wrong things. You REALLY won't find out if you never take a risk.
I felt like shedding some light on the situation for some of my single guy friends, and make some of my girl friends laugh because we've all had a guy hit on us in at least one of these annoying ways. Adjust your behavior and yes, the nice guy really can get the girl.
***** Added******
Also wanted to say that for the most part, it is not okay to touch a girl you don't know unless she has initiated contact first. Even at a club, hands on the hips is fine at first, but if you touch my boobs, ass, vagina, or even my stomach under my shirt, you're getting one warning where I remove your hands and then you're getting punched in the dick.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
My Theory of Relativity
Warning: I am angry and appalled by some statements I heard the other night. While I still have that hope that perhaps the person who stated these things to me wasn't portraying their point in the right way, it set me off to hear what he said and I felt that I needed to defend myself and speak my mind.
All things are relative. This statement I agree with. I agree that life is all about perspective. To one person, something that happens to them may seem like the end of the world because it is the most tragic thing to ever happen to them. I think saying that two situations happening to two different people can be declared as relative, yes, but only if the two things are in the same type of category. You can compare apples and oranges and say that their effect on people is relative, however, you cannot compare apples and race cars in the same way.
Let me explain.
The other day when discussing one of my previous blog entries with someone, they said that things are all relative. I understand this, as I have already said. If anyone understands seeing different perspectives, and understands that everyone can see things in a different way because of their own life experience, I certainly do. However, the example they decided to use highly offended me. This person had the audacity to claim that a 40 year old man with a wife and kids losing his job, is similar to a thirteen year old girl being raped by her father. He claimed that to each of these people that event may be the most traumatic thing to ever happen to them, and because of that, they are the same.
Seriously?
First let me start off by saying, yes, I do understand that they are similar in the aspect that they may be the worst event that person has experienced. I really do. However, that is where the similarities end. To start off, the 40 year old man who has lost his job, can at least count his blessings that he has a family, has children, a wife, had a job in the first place, etc. Also, a job is replaceable. Innocence is not. The 40 year old man has at least gotten to live his life a bit, and if he is intelligent, knows that life has its ups and downs, and chances are, because he has a family, he'll see the importance in finding another job and do what he has to do to get a new one. I'm not saying he might not be devastated, and there is a chance that he may end up becoming an alcoholic, or commit suicide, or some other tragic thing. No person's reaction can be predicted. However, for the rest of her life, when she is already so young, that poor 13 year old girl is going to carry that weight around. She did nothing to encourage being raped, and now she has lost her innocence, her trust in her family, her control. She will have issues in her future relationships, she will probably have issues with having sex, etc. In this case, she may not be destined for failure. She could end up holding out for the right relationship, getting married, and starting a charity for girls who are domestically abused. I'm not saying that she wouldn't. I'm just stating that while yes, a person's reaction is relative, it is dependent on how they feel, their perspective, their life, and what they choose to do with what has happened to them. My issue is that I cannot fathom the comparison of the two being considered similar. I guarantee if you polled forty year old men with wives and kids who had lost their job and asked them which was worse, they would agree that the 13 year old girl had bigger problems than themselves.
My theory of relativity is that, yes, everything is relative, it depends on a person's perspective of what is tragic to them. But I think there are very few people in the world that would not agree with me that rape is worse than someone losing a job. Honestly, the people who wouldn't agree with me, are probably the monsters that rape 13 year old children. (I am not saying that the person who said this to me rapes 13 year old children). I think that while things are relative to each individual, there are certain things that are definitely worse than others and that most people would agree. I feel that the comparison was the problem. I believe that the person was trying to compare two things that had no business being compared. It is as ludicrous as comparing an American being distraught over a hangnail as the same thing as an American firefighter being distraught over the fall of the twin towers. You can compare two somewhat similar things and say they are relative. You can say that one losing a job, and one losing a significant other, can be equally devastating to each person because it is relative to what they have been through. You can not compare losing a job to a child being raped.
I believe I am too close to this issue, maybe that is why I got so heated about it, but it really led me to lose a little respect for the person. I can only hope that the person did not communicate their point in an effective manner. I really do encourage all conversations and debates about my blog, I just insist that they use a little more intelligence than this offensive conversation. I also insist that while I allow them to state their case, that then they allow me to state my rebuttal, and then I will continue the debate taking turns with the person, expressing our individual beliefs until I feel the conversation has reached its end. But I do not encourage people to throw their opinions at me and not hear what I have to say as a reply, especially when it is something as detestable as expressing an opinion about rape.
My feelings on this topic are all relative, but I guarantee that the majority of the people who read this blog would agree. While everything can be relative, some things are just general beliefs that the majority hold about life. Some things are taboo, some things are wrong, some things are unacceptable. Yes, it is all relative to the person who experiences it, hears about it, or thinks about it, but in some cases the world comes together to believe the same thing about a specific idea. Compare similar things and we'll debate. Compare a chair to Pluto, and I think it's a waste of my time.
All things are relative. This statement I agree with. I agree that life is all about perspective. To one person, something that happens to them may seem like the end of the world because it is the most tragic thing to ever happen to them. I think saying that two situations happening to two different people can be declared as relative, yes, but only if the two things are in the same type of category. You can compare apples and oranges and say that their effect on people is relative, however, you cannot compare apples and race cars in the same way.
Let me explain.
The other day when discussing one of my previous blog entries with someone, they said that things are all relative. I understand this, as I have already said. If anyone understands seeing different perspectives, and understands that everyone can see things in a different way because of their own life experience, I certainly do. However, the example they decided to use highly offended me. This person had the audacity to claim that a 40 year old man with a wife and kids losing his job, is similar to a thirteen year old girl being raped by her father. He claimed that to each of these people that event may be the most traumatic thing to ever happen to them, and because of that, they are the same.
Seriously?
First let me start off by saying, yes, I do understand that they are similar in the aspect that they may be the worst event that person has experienced. I really do. However, that is where the similarities end. To start off, the 40 year old man who has lost his job, can at least count his blessings that he has a family, has children, a wife, had a job in the first place, etc. Also, a job is replaceable. Innocence is not. The 40 year old man has at least gotten to live his life a bit, and if he is intelligent, knows that life has its ups and downs, and chances are, because he has a family, he'll see the importance in finding another job and do what he has to do to get a new one. I'm not saying he might not be devastated, and there is a chance that he may end up becoming an alcoholic, or commit suicide, or some other tragic thing. No person's reaction can be predicted. However, for the rest of her life, when she is already so young, that poor 13 year old girl is going to carry that weight around. She did nothing to encourage being raped, and now she has lost her innocence, her trust in her family, her control. She will have issues in her future relationships, she will probably have issues with having sex, etc. In this case, she may not be destined for failure. She could end up holding out for the right relationship, getting married, and starting a charity for girls who are domestically abused. I'm not saying that she wouldn't. I'm just stating that while yes, a person's reaction is relative, it is dependent on how they feel, their perspective, their life, and what they choose to do with what has happened to them. My issue is that I cannot fathom the comparison of the two being considered similar. I guarantee if you polled forty year old men with wives and kids who had lost their job and asked them which was worse, they would agree that the 13 year old girl had bigger problems than themselves.
My theory of relativity is that, yes, everything is relative, it depends on a person's perspective of what is tragic to them. But I think there are very few people in the world that would not agree with me that rape is worse than someone losing a job. Honestly, the people who wouldn't agree with me, are probably the monsters that rape 13 year old children. (I am not saying that the person who said this to me rapes 13 year old children). I think that while things are relative to each individual, there are certain things that are definitely worse than others and that most people would agree. I feel that the comparison was the problem. I believe that the person was trying to compare two things that had no business being compared. It is as ludicrous as comparing an American being distraught over a hangnail as the same thing as an American firefighter being distraught over the fall of the twin towers. You can compare two somewhat similar things and say they are relative. You can say that one losing a job, and one losing a significant other, can be equally devastating to each person because it is relative to what they have been through. You can not compare losing a job to a child being raped.
I believe I am too close to this issue, maybe that is why I got so heated about it, but it really led me to lose a little respect for the person. I can only hope that the person did not communicate their point in an effective manner. I really do encourage all conversations and debates about my blog, I just insist that they use a little more intelligence than this offensive conversation. I also insist that while I allow them to state their case, that then they allow me to state my rebuttal, and then I will continue the debate taking turns with the person, expressing our individual beliefs until I feel the conversation has reached its end. But I do not encourage people to throw their opinions at me and not hear what I have to say as a reply, especially when it is something as detestable as expressing an opinion about rape.
My feelings on this topic are all relative, but I guarantee that the majority of the people who read this blog would agree. While everything can be relative, some things are just general beliefs that the majority hold about life. Some things are taboo, some things are wrong, some things are unacceptable. Yes, it is all relative to the person who experiences it, hears about it, or thinks about it, but in some cases the world comes together to believe the same thing about a specific idea. Compare similar things and we'll debate. Compare a chair to Pluto, and I think it's a waste of my time.
Friday, January 6, 2012
I love you, socks.
It seems like in the past ten years or so people throw out the words "I love you" way too soon. I feel like the legitimate meaning of the word has almost been lost. I'm not saying I have not been known to say those three words early in a relationship, I actually have quite often, but now that I've gotten older I've learned to really appreciate the full meaning of those words and wonder why the world has become so folly in the expression of them. It is as if a relationship is validated when someone spits out these words, and yet while the person may feel like they do love the person, I highly doubt they really do.
Some people run from it. I know a girl who started dating this guy, and within three days of their relationship, he wrote "I love you" on her facebook wall (which of course makes it official), and she broke up with him. I don't think she broke up with him because the fact that he loved her overwhelmed him, but instead, because she thought he was moving way too fast, and didn't really love her.
So what is it about these words? Why do people feel the need to say they love someone within the first month of their relationship? Is it a way of staking a claim? "Hello you, I love you, so now my heart is really on the line and you can't break my heart or I'll be absolutely devastated" may be the true subtext. I'm not sure. Usually when I enter into a relationship, I have had deep conversations with the person before even starting to date them, and feel I know them on a pretty personal level. This justification used to lead me to feel confident in my reasoning for why I have said "I love you" early in a relationship. Some people have known the person for months or years before dating them, so when they finally have the person in a relationship, they feel so overwhelmed by the beginning butterflies that they feel they are in love, and feel the need to express it. But do they really?
Over time I have found that those beginning butterflies do not equate to love. Yes when you first begin to fall for someone, they make you want to dance, you smile for seemingly no reason other than the thought of them, you go to sleep thinking about them, wake up thinking about them, and all the moments in between you think about them. This is not love. Perhaps it is love for the idea of things to come. You are in love with the idea of being in love, but you do not love that person.
Love happens later, much later, when you can overlook all of that persons flaws, not because you haven't seen them yet, but because there is so many better things for you to care about. Their flaws seem insignificant because of how you feel about them in the bigger picture. Loving someone is loving not just who they are, but how they make you, and how you make them. Loving someone is about being confident that they will always be there for you, you will always be there for them, and you can conquer anything together. I'm not saying that people don't often feel this way in the beginning of a relationship. In fact, the majority of people do feel that way in the beginning. But in the beginning, things are still fresh. People are eager to please and so they present themselves in a manner worthy of the other person's affections. The relationship is not real yet, it is ethereal. It is not until you strip down the relationship, take away that desperation to please and find acceptance, and truly become comfortable and act yourself, that you can be able to be loved. The other person must do the same in order to be loved by you. In the beginning you are shaded portrayals of yourself, and so if someone claims they love you, they don't really love you.
It's like a pair of socks. When you first buy a pair of socks, they are comfortable and soft and fit on your feet perfectly, and you may seem to love your socks. But after time wearing them, and a few times run through the washer, they may lose that appeal. If not, then yeah, sure, you love your socks, I suppose. However, most of the time, they stretch and don't fit your feet so well, or they get that dirty stain even though you've run them through the washer with bleach. (So annoying). It's very rare to find socks that no matter what they go through, will still give you that same, new feeling when you put them on. That is love. When no matter what has been thrown at you (because yes, people, real love has obstacles and is not easy), you still get that same feeling of comfort with that person at the end of the day. Love takes time. Sad to say, over time, people have begun to blurt out the words at every turn. I love you, man. I love my new phone. I love this, I love that. Do you really? Let's take a step back and really evaluate what we feel the word means. Take a minute, or an hour, or a day, or maybe even a freaking year to reevaluate the true power of love, and the true meaning behind it. Stop throwing the word out there like it is any other word like "and". Say it because you mean it at that moment, and not simply because they said it and you feel like saying it back. Don't say it because you're getting off the phone and it feels as easy to say as goodbye. Every single moment you say those words, make sure you feel it in your heart, soul, deep down. Then we'll take back the words "I love you". We'll give them real meaning.
Anyone can say a word. Here you go, "Blagspotiffbooger". It means nothing, except a silly word until you give it meaning. The meaning has to be significant. You have to feel it.
I love you, socks.
Some people run from it. I know a girl who started dating this guy, and within three days of their relationship, he wrote "I love you" on her facebook wall (which of course makes it official), and she broke up with him. I don't think she broke up with him because the fact that he loved her overwhelmed him, but instead, because she thought he was moving way too fast, and didn't really love her.
So what is it about these words? Why do people feel the need to say they love someone within the first month of their relationship? Is it a way of staking a claim? "Hello you, I love you, so now my heart is really on the line and you can't break my heart or I'll be absolutely devastated" may be the true subtext. I'm not sure. Usually when I enter into a relationship, I have had deep conversations with the person before even starting to date them, and feel I know them on a pretty personal level. This justification used to lead me to feel confident in my reasoning for why I have said "I love you" early in a relationship. Some people have known the person for months or years before dating them, so when they finally have the person in a relationship, they feel so overwhelmed by the beginning butterflies that they feel they are in love, and feel the need to express it. But do they really?
Over time I have found that those beginning butterflies do not equate to love. Yes when you first begin to fall for someone, they make you want to dance, you smile for seemingly no reason other than the thought of them, you go to sleep thinking about them, wake up thinking about them, and all the moments in between you think about them. This is not love. Perhaps it is love for the idea of things to come. You are in love with the idea of being in love, but you do not love that person.
Love happens later, much later, when you can overlook all of that persons flaws, not because you haven't seen them yet, but because there is so many better things for you to care about. Their flaws seem insignificant because of how you feel about them in the bigger picture. Loving someone is loving not just who they are, but how they make you, and how you make them. Loving someone is about being confident that they will always be there for you, you will always be there for them, and you can conquer anything together. I'm not saying that people don't often feel this way in the beginning of a relationship. In fact, the majority of people do feel that way in the beginning. But in the beginning, things are still fresh. People are eager to please and so they present themselves in a manner worthy of the other person's affections. The relationship is not real yet, it is ethereal. It is not until you strip down the relationship, take away that desperation to please and find acceptance, and truly become comfortable and act yourself, that you can be able to be loved. The other person must do the same in order to be loved by you. In the beginning you are shaded portrayals of yourself, and so if someone claims they love you, they don't really love you.
It's like a pair of socks. When you first buy a pair of socks, they are comfortable and soft and fit on your feet perfectly, and you may seem to love your socks. But after time wearing them, and a few times run through the washer, they may lose that appeal. If not, then yeah, sure, you love your socks, I suppose. However, most of the time, they stretch and don't fit your feet so well, or they get that dirty stain even though you've run them through the washer with bleach. (So annoying). It's very rare to find socks that no matter what they go through, will still give you that same, new feeling when you put them on. That is love. When no matter what has been thrown at you (because yes, people, real love has obstacles and is not easy), you still get that same feeling of comfort with that person at the end of the day. Love takes time. Sad to say, over time, people have begun to blurt out the words at every turn. I love you, man. I love my new phone. I love this, I love that. Do you really? Let's take a step back and really evaluate what we feel the word means. Take a minute, or an hour, or a day, or maybe even a freaking year to reevaluate the true power of love, and the true meaning behind it. Stop throwing the word out there like it is any other word like "and". Say it because you mean it at that moment, and not simply because they said it and you feel like saying it back. Don't say it because you're getting off the phone and it feels as easy to say as goodbye. Every single moment you say those words, make sure you feel it in your heart, soul, deep down. Then we'll take back the words "I love you". We'll give them real meaning.
Anyone can say a word. Here you go, "Blagspotiffbooger". It means nothing, except a silly word until you give it meaning. The meaning has to be significant. You have to feel it.
I love you, socks.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Passions
A strange older guy once told one of my employees that if he wanted to start dating a girl, he needed to simply ask her what her passion was. This would spur a conversation more deeper than most, he would get to know her in a more personal manner and show that he wasn't interested in solely having sex with her. Unfortunately for this guy, the girl he asked answered that her passion was sex. Awkward. But anyways, passion is something I once had a heated discussion with and would like to share with my readers today.
My passion is writing, obviously, as well as singing, reading, doing anything creative mostly. My boyfriend's passion is running. Once I was discussing with someone that my boyfriends passion is one thing that I allow him to love more than me (not that I have to permit him to love something, but only that I believe it is acceptable for one to love their passion more than the person they are with). The person I was discussing this with found my declaration ludicrous. He said that when you are with someone you are supposed to love them first and foremost. I disagree. I find that the thing that you are passionate about most, is what makes you who you are. How can you truly love someone if you do not love who you are? I think this is impossible. I also believe that writing has been something that has always been my passion, whereas it is very rare that you find the love of your life before you find your passion. If something would happen to me and my boyfriend, writing would still be there for me, it will always be there for me. Also, my boyfriend loves me for who I am, and I am a writer, so if I didn't nurture my passion, then it would make him be in love with someone who does not exist.
I find the best example to explain what I mean is using the military. When someone enlists in the service it is because of their love of their country. Serving their country becomes their passion. Because of this they must leave their family behind, but in a sense they are still protecting their family. The two loves work together, but ultimately the person's passion comes first and foremost. It doesn't mean he loves his family any less, it is simply that his passion makes him the person that he is. Without his passion, and him choosing his passion first, he may not be the man that his family loves so much.
I feel like putting your passion first is important. You must tend to the person you are before you can be loved. As long as your passion does not become obsession, then I think it can help create a healthy relationship.
Be passionate.
My passion is writing, obviously, as well as singing, reading, doing anything creative mostly. My boyfriend's passion is running. Once I was discussing with someone that my boyfriends passion is one thing that I allow him to love more than me (not that I have to permit him to love something, but only that I believe it is acceptable for one to love their passion more than the person they are with). The person I was discussing this with found my declaration ludicrous. He said that when you are with someone you are supposed to love them first and foremost. I disagree. I find that the thing that you are passionate about most, is what makes you who you are. How can you truly love someone if you do not love who you are? I think this is impossible. I also believe that writing has been something that has always been my passion, whereas it is very rare that you find the love of your life before you find your passion. If something would happen to me and my boyfriend, writing would still be there for me, it will always be there for me. Also, my boyfriend loves me for who I am, and I am a writer, so if I didn't nurture my passion, then it would make him be in love with someone who does not exist.
I find the best example to explain what I mean is using the military. When someone enlists in the service it is because of their love of their country. Serving their country becomes their passion. Because of this they must leave their family behind, but in a sense they are still protecting their family. The two loves work together, but ultimately the person's passion comes first and foremost. It doesn't mean he loves his family any less, it is simply that his passion makes him the person that he is. Without his passion, and him choosing his passion first, he may not be the man that his family loves so much.
I feel like putting your passion first is important. You must tend to the person you are before you can be loved. As long as your passion does not become obsession, then I think it can help create a healthy relationship.
Be passionate.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Full Disclosure, Indecent Exposure
Men and women are different in a variety of ways, that much is easy knowledge. But one of the major differences I've noticed as of late, is the amount of information that is disclosed in relationships.
I think it is easy to disclose information up front in a relationship. I'm not saying that if a guy asks me out on a date, I immediately blurt out, "I dated this guy, this guy, and this guy, and this is why I liked him, and this is why we broke up, and this is how I feel about it." But, usually, when I start talking to a guy and find myself liking him, and I can see myself dating him, I try to sit down with him and have a talk where I let him know certain things about my past that I feel are important for him to know. My opinion is, that these occurrences have helped shape me into the person that I am, and he needs to know them before he can truly decide whether or not he wants to be involved with me.
For instance, in several of my previous relationships, I have been verbally and physically abused. As a result of these events, I find myself unable to handle when a guy begins to get angry with me. I shut down, I'll flinch, and I'll usually just apologize for starting the argument in the first place in avoidance to protect myself from what previously happened. It is not that I feel like the guy I am with, or any guy for that matter, is going to assault me. It is simply that I cannot always predict who is going to resort to violence and try to avoid bringing anyone to that point. I feel this is something important for me to disclose in the beginning so that a guy can understand why I break down when someone yells at me, why I may cringe when someone goes to touch my face for the first time, etc.
I also tend to be friends with many of my exes. It is not that I still seek out a relationship with them, but usually when a break up is impending I try to talk things out with that person instead of creating some huge drama-filled blow out. I try to reach a mutual understanding with that person, that they are not evil, and I am not evil, and that if they ever need anything I am there for them, because I still respect them as a person and a friend, even if things have not worked out. Therefore, I find it imperative to disclose who some of my exes are, why we dated, and why we broke up a few months into the relationship in the off chance that I am going somewhere where they will be or a similar situation. I feel like disclosing this beforehand is important. I tend to dislike when someone mentions something after the fact. They go to a party and then they say to you, "Oh yeah my ex was there," and when you ask, "Did you know she was going to be there?" they reply, "I figured she might." I understand to guys you omitting this information may be because you feel it is irrelevant because she is no longer part of your life or you have no interest in her. What men need to understand is that you would demonstrate the same behavior if there was something to hide. If you were still in love with her, and you were looking forward to going to the party to see her, you wouldn't tell the girl you were with. So in both cases, you do not tell your significant other and then she is left to wonder which is the case this time.
I feel like mentioning beforehand is always the better bet. I think it helps you get to know the person better. Some people say that men are taught that disclosing that information gets them in trouble, and that may be the case with some women, but I try not to let it affect me. I would rather know the person I was with fully, their past, their baggage, etc. It helps me understand why they are the way they are. So why do guys seem to frown upon girls who share their past? Why do they see it as we have some attachment to the past and aren't willing to move on?
Our lives are like legos. We get more and more pieces and put them together to create who we are. Every once in awhile we can take apart the pieces and reassemble them in a different way, but we're always using the same pieces to help complete us. Each moment in our life is a lego. In my opinion, when I marry someone, I want them to know what all my legos represent and I want to know the same about them. Why is disclosure considered to be such a bad thing?
I understand that the past is the past, and some people would rather leave it there. But, if you feel like you can spend your life with someone, wouldn't you rather know the things that result in who you are as a person? I think that disclosure can help you better anticipate how the person feels, and make you more empathetic to their situation. If a person was abandoned by their father, you know they are going to try damn hard to be a good father. If a person was cheated on before, you know they are going to be a bit paranoid and distrusting of you for awhile. It helps avoid arguments introducing your past up front because you understand the person better. So blogging world, I apologize if my disclosure to you about my past, or my feelings makes you uncomfortable from time to time. That's just who I am. I enlighten you on my past experiences because I find that relationships in my past have failed. Then later, as we matured, when having a discussion with them, I found that if I had known more about their past, I could have adjusted my behavior slightly and perhaps we would have lasted longer. One of the keys to a lasting relationship is honesty. Another is trust. How can you trust someone if they are not honest with you? Hiding significant details from you is a lie; it is omitting the truth. Just because it may not seem significant to you, does not mean it is not significant to them. I'm not saying to blurt out all of your past transgressions, but get to know the people you are with. I am always seeking knowledge, especially other people's knowledge that they have gained from experience in their own lives. People can surprise you with what they know. People can surprise you with their beliefs. But usually something in their past has caused them to feel that way. Get to know people on a more personal level, understand why they do what they do. It will create a more intimate relationship.
I think it is easy to disclose information up front in a relationship. I'm not saying that if a guy asks me out on a date, I immediately blurt out, "I dated this guy, this guy, and this guy, and this is why I liked him, and this is why we broke up, and this is how I feel about it." But, usually, when I start talking to a guy and find myself liking him, and I can see myself dating him, I try to sit down with him and have a talk where I let him know certain things about my past that I feel are important for him to know. My opinion is, that these occurrences have helped shape me into the person that I am, and he needs to know them before he can truly decide whether or not he wants to be involved with me.
For instance, in several of my previous relationships, I have been verbally and physically abused. As a result of these events, I find myself unable to handle when a guy begins to get angry with me. I shut down, I'll flinch, and I'll usually just apologize for starting the argument in the first place in avoidance to protect myself from what previously happened. It is not that I feel like the guy I am with, or any guy for that matter, is going to assault me. It is simply that I cannot always predict who is going to resort to violence and try to avoid bringing anyone to that point. I feel this is something important for me to disclose in the beginning so that a guy can understand why I break down when someone yells at me, why I may cringe when someone goes to touch my face for the first time, etc.
I also tend to be friends with many of my exes. It is not that I still seek out a relationship with them, but usually when a break up is impending I try to talk things out with that person instead of creating some huge drama-filled blow out. I try to reach a mutual understanding with that person, that they are not evil, and I am not evil, and that if they ever need anything I am there for them, because I still respect them as a person and a friend, even if things have not worked out. Therefore, I find it imperative to disclose who some of my exes are, why we dated, and why we broke up a few months into the relationship in the off chance that I am going somewhere where they will be or a similar situation. I feel like disclosing this beforehand is important. I tend to dislike when someone mentions something after the fact. They go to a party and then they say to you, "Oh yeah my ex was there," and when you ask, "Did you know she was going to be there?" they reply, "I figured she might." I understand to guys you omitting this information may be because you feel it is irrelevant because she is no longer part of your life or you have no interest in her. What men need to understand is that you would demonstrate the same behavior if there was something to hide. If you were still in love with her, and you were looking forward to going to the party to see her, you wouldn't tell the girl you were with. So in both cases, you do not tell your significant other and then she is left to wonder which is the case this time.
I feel like mentioning beforehand is always the better bet. I think it helps you get to know the person better. Some people say that men are taught that disclosing that information gets them in trouble, and that may be the case with some women, but I try not to let it affect me. I would rather know the person I was with fully, their past, their baggage, etc. It helps me understand why they are the way they are. So why do guys seem to frown upon girls who share their past? Why do they see it as we have some attachment to the past and aren't willing to move on?
Our lives are like legos. We get more and more pieces and put them together to create who we are. Every once in awhile we can take apart the pieces and reassemble them in a different way, but we're always using the same pieces to help complete us. Each moment in our life is a lego. In my opinion, when I marry someone, I want them to know what all my legos represent and I want to know the same about them. Why is disclosure considered to be such a bad thing?
I understand that the past is the past, and some people would rather leave it there. But, if you feel like you can spend your life with someone, wouldn't you rather know the things that result in who you are as a person? I think that disclosure can help you better anticipate how the person feels, and make you more empathetic to their situation. If a person was abandoned by their father, you know they are going to try damn hard to be a good father. If a person was cheated on before, you know they are going to be a bit paranoid and distrusting of you for awhile. It helps avoid arguments introducing your past up front because you understand the person better. So blogging world, I apologize if my disclosure to you about my past, or my feelings makes you uncomfortable from time to time. That's just who I am. I enlighten you on my past experiences because I find that relationships in my past have failed. Then later, as we matured, when having a discussion with them, I found that if I had known more about their past, I could have adjusted my behavior slightly and perhaps we would have lasted longer. One of the keys to a lasting relationship is honesty. Another is trust. How can you trust someone if they are not honest with you? Hiding significant details from you is a lie; it is omitting the truth. Just because it may not seem significant to you, does not mean it is not significant to them. I'm not saying to blurt out all of your past transgressions, but get to know the people you are with. I am always seeking knowledge, especially other people's knowledge that they have gained from experience in their own lives. People can surprise you with what they know. People can surprise you with their beliefs. But usually something in their past has caused them to feel that way. Get to know people on a more personal level, understand why they do what they do. It will create a more intimate relationship.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
I think I can, I think I can, but you can't.
My relationship strategy, was actually acquired from my youth pastor in 8th grade, and twisted to suit my own life. He always critiqued me because I went to camps and flirted with boys, and said my focus was not on God, and I was too obsessed with lust. One day he told me, that someday I would get married, and I needed to consider what types of things I wanted my husband to have done. He asked if I would want my husband to be a virgin and me to be the only girl he ever was with. Of course now my opinions have changed significantly, but the one thing that has stuck with me was the equality that he talked of. What would I like my significant other to do? And if I don't want him to do something, is it fair for me to do it? Ever since that conversation I have always considered this equality in relationships. I try not to do anything that I would have a problem with someone else doing. I don't always succeed but I find that having double standards only leads to trouble.
I find that I have a lack of respect towards people with double standards. I find this most often happens at work, where someone will expect the restaurant to be perfect when they come in, yet leave it a trainwreck when they leave. (I admit at times I am guilty of this as well after a certain shift, but I rarely expect the work place to be perfect when I come, more often than not, I anticipate it's not going to be perfect). Also, I find in my relationship there is a double standard, where others think it normal for my boyfriend to stay out at all hours of the night drinking and participating in his own shenanigans, but if I do anything of the sort, I am accused of drinking, being irresponsible, or being a bad girlfriend. I really, really dislike double standards.
You should treat people how you want to be treated. You should work just as hard as you want other people to work for you. You should be there for friends just as much as you hope they are there for you. If you become the person that you wish everyone else was, then you will gain respect for it. Not everyone is perfect, but you can't expect everyone else to be perfect if you do not strive for perfection yourself. Having double standards makes you hypocritical. Be the person you want to be, and let everyone else worry about themselves. Anyone is capable of ANYTHING, no matter if they are woman, minority, child, man, majority, elderly....no matter what age, sex, nationality, ethnicity, income, background, etc. If you have double standards and expect they are not capable or should not be able to do something, you are contributing to the problem. The world needs more love, more acceptance, and more equality.
Dream big. And let others do the same.
I find that I have a lack of respect towards people with double standards. I find this most often happens at work, where someone will expect the restaurant to be perfect when they come in, yet leave it a trainwreck when they leave. (I admit at times I am guilty of this as well after a certain shift, but I rarely expect the work place to be perfect when I come, more often than not, I anticipate it's not going to be perfect). Also, I find in my relationship there is a double standard, where others think it normal for my boyfriend to stay out at all hours of the night drinking and participating in his own shenanigans, but if I do anything of the sort, I am accused of drinking, being irresponsible, or being a bad girlfriend. I really, really dislike double standards.
You should treat people how you want to be treated. You should work just as hard as you want other people to work for you. You should be there for friends just as much as you hope they are there for you. If you become the person that you wish everyone else was, then you will gain respect for it. Not everyone is perfect, but you can't expect everyone else to be perfect if you do not strive for perfection yourself. Having double standards makes you hypocritical. Be the person you want to be, and let everyone else worry about themselves. Anyone is capable of ANYTHING, no matter if they are woman, minority, child, man, majority, elderly....no matter what age, sex, nationality, ethnicity, income, background, etc. If you have double standards and expect they are not capable or should not be able to do something, you are contributing to the problem. The world needs more love, more acceptance, and more equality.
Dream big. And let others do the same.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Age Isn't Just a Number
A little girl at the restaurant yesterday, tried to tell her father that young people were smarter than old people, because old people forget things. I find this quite amusing, and the truth is, it seems like as time goes by, the more young people think they know everything. With the advancement of technology, children are learning things faster, and yes, they can do mathematical equations, speak foreign languages, and other things that older people can't, but the question is, are they really smarter?
I have always measured the level of my intelligence by my experience, combined with what I have learned over the years from school. Because I started school early, I always considered myself smarter than most people my age because I was ahead of them in school. I always had older friends when I was a teenager, and so I felt older than I was, and smarter than most. But, now that I am older, I tend to have younger friends. I don't consider myself better than them, but yes, from time to time I do feel I am smarter than they are. I believe this is mostly because I have gone through certain things that many people haven't, I graduated high school and college, and have made my life essentially about obtaining knowledge in any way, shape, or form. It makes me frustrated to see people younger than me, thinking they have it all figured out. I try to tell them that they think they know everything now but in a few years they'll realize how idiotic they were being, but of course, they never listen. I'm not saying I didn't say the same thing, and I'm not saying that I have everything figured out now either. But I guess with how smart younger people are getting, seemingly, I wonder if maybe they'll figure things out. But I can't really believe that because of how fast the world changes. People change, and as a result, it begins a catalyst of chaotic events to change everything around. So, honestly, no matter how smart we are at any given point in time, no matter how well we think we have things figured out, no matter how many books we've read, languages we know, cultures we've studied, experiments we've concluded, we can't figure things out. No one can predict the future, and no one can ever say with certainty that they know how things are going to go. At the end of the day, we really are as young and naive as children. We can try and say that our experience helps us, but experience can't help you 100% of the time, because things don't happen the same way all the time. There are no definite answers in life. Except maybe, that there is always an exception to the rule. We have nothing figured out. So maybe age is just a number, because at the end of the day we're all in the same boat. We all, know nothing.
This blog could be totally wrong. Who knows? Nobody.
I have always measured the level of my intelligence by my experience, combined with what I have learned over the years from school. Because I started school early, I always considered myself smarter than most people my age because I was ahead of them in school. I always had older friends when I was a teenager, and so I felt older than I was, and smarter than most. But, now that I am older, I tend to have younger friends. I don't consider myself better than them, but yes, from time to time I do feel I am smarter than they are. I believe this is mostly because I have gone through certain things that many people haven't, I graduated high school and college, and have made my life essentially about obtaining knowledge in any way, shape, or form. It makes me frustrated to see people younger than me, thinking they have it all figured out. I try to tell them that they think they know everything now but in a few years they'll realize how idiotic they were being, but of course, they never listen. I'm not saying I didn't say the same thing, and I'm not saying that I have everything figured out now either. But I guess with how smart younger people are getting, seemingly, I wonder if maybe they'll figure things out. But I can't really believe that because of how fast the world changes. People change, and as a result, it begins a catalyst of chaotic events to change everything around. So, honestly, no matter how smart we are at any given point in time, no matter how well we think we have things figured out, no matter how many books we've read, languages we know, cultures we've studied, experiments we've concluded, we can't figure things out. No one can predict the future, and no one can ever say with certainty that they know how things are going to go. At the end of the day, we really are as young and naive as children. We can try and say that our experience helps us, but experience can't help you 100% of the time, because things don't happen the same way all the time. There are no definite answers in life. Except maybe, that there is always an exception to the rule. We have nothing figured out. So maybe age is just a number, because at the end of the day we're all in the same boat. We all, know nothing.
This blog could be totally wrong. Who knows? Nobody.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Heartless?
I had many amusing conversations last night on New Years Eve, including a particular one about girls using bacon to make their vagina taste better, but there was a certain topic that struck me deep to the heart. I wanted to discuss the topic further but as it is a bit of a depressing subject, I didn't want to ruin anyone's New Years with a debate. I simply vowed I would explore it today. I already have run into certain people who have been reading my blog and inform me they would like to discuss some of the things I have said, but I will forewarn you this is not the type of post I am going to want to get into a debate over with just anyone. Now onto the point.
Many campuses, including Shippensburg University, have a club, or hold events for the cause TWLOHA, (To Write love on Her Arms). Essentially, students write the word Love on their arms to demonstrate their support of the cause. The cause is all about raising awareness and reaching out to those who are battling with depression, addiction, self-mutilation, and suicide. Several students on Shippensburg campus participate in this event, but when it comes to the people I know, there are several who participate and then I question why. It gets entirely too exhausting when the majority of my friends are guys, and at times their jokes cross a line that they cannot tell has been crossed. So many make jokes, telling people to go kill themselves, telling someone to make sure they cut "Up and down the river", when people show emotions or act depressed they mock them, but yet turn around and act like they care for the cause. I watch people go into deep depressions and feel like they have to hide from their closest friends in fear of being mocked for it. They feel like something is wrong with them for feeling. But honestly, this isn't even the reaction that bothers me the most. I can deal with insensitive and naive douchebags, who will pretend they are gentleman and stand for something great and true, yet turn around and make jokes about rape or disrespect women on a daily basis. The reaction I am finding most disturbing is actually anger towards those who have cut.
People get angry when someone they love hurts themselves. I get it, I really do, I can completely understand how frustrating it may be to realize that someone has hurt himself or herself, especially when it is someone you care about deeply. But I think anger is actually the last feeling they need to be getting from someone else. Put yourself in the position where you are so lost, so sad, so hurt, to the point where you would actually consider subjecting yourself to self-mutilation. Usually, the people who do cut, feel as if they are trying to communicate their pain to others and nobody is listening, or nobody is there to listen. It is at their moment of feeling the most alone, that they cut. Yet, people show anger towards them? If you were feeling completely alone, and someone you cared about was angry with you, do you think that would help, or make the situation worse? People act angry because you apparently didn't reach out to them. But these depressed people are always trying to reach out, but you are too busy with your own life, or you don't see it, or you mock them. It is very rare that someone is going to have the strength to openly say, "Look, I have a problem, and I'm scared of what I'm going to do" and even if they did, half the time people probably wouldn't take them seriously. I cannot wrap my head around the justification that anger is the appropriate reaction. I know that people cannot always control their emotions, but I feel like in that situation, if it is someone you truly care about, you should be willing to put your anger aside for the moment and just be there for them to give them what they need.
Sometimes all somebody needs is for you to take them in your arms and tell them that you'll protect them, that you'll try to help take the pain away, that they're not alone. Sometimes they may need more than that. But you'll never know what they need if you just present them with anger and make them feel more ashamed by what they've done than they already feel. It makes them feel even more alone, and embarrassed and hurt. Nobody should have to shoulder the pain they feel completely alone. Friends, and loved ones, are supposed to be there to help you through.
I'm not saying I know everything, but this is an issue that hits very close to home, it's something I have never been able to wrap my head around. I feel so much that it is hard for me to understand why people can at times be so selfish and inconsiderate, when someone's life is at stake. So next time before you write love on your arm, ask yourself if you really have been there for the people who are crying out for help. Ask yourself have you made heartless jokes at peoples expense? And if they were dead the next day, would you feel guilty? Rethink your actions, before you pretend to stand for something. Don't act as if you are noble and because you did a few good charitable things that you are a pillar of goodness if you are going to turn around and mock the very people who need you the most.
Have a heart.
Many campuses, including Shippensburg University, have a club, or hold events for the cause TWLOHA, (To Write love on Her Arms). Essentially, students write the word Love on their arms to demonstrate their support of the cause. The cause is all about raising awareness and reaching out to those who are battling with depression, addiction, self-mutilation, and suicide. Several students on Shippensburg campus participate in this event, but when it comes to the people I know, there are several who participate and then I question why. It gets entirely too exhausting when the majority of my friends are guys, and at times their jokes cross a line that they cannot tell has been crossed. So many make jokes, telling people to go kill themselves, telling someone to make sure they cut "Up and down the river", when people show emotions or act depressed they mock them, but yet turn around and act like they care for the cause. I watch people go into deep depressions and feel like they have to hide from their closest friends in fear of being mocked for it. They feel like something is wrong with them for feeling. But honestly, this isn't even the reaction that bothers me the most. I can deal with insensitive and naive douchebags, who will pretend they are gentleman and stand for something great and true, yet turn around and make jokes about rape or disrespect women on a daily basis. The reaction I am finding most disturbing is actually anger towards those who have cut.
People get angry when someone they love hurts themselves. I get it, I really do, I can completely understand how frustrating it may be to realize that someone has hurt himself or herself, especially when it is someone you care about deeply. But I think anger is actually the last feeling they need to be getting from someone else. Put yourself in the position where you are so lost, so sad, so hurt, to the point where you would actually consider subjecting yourself to self-mutilation. Usually, the people who do cut, feel as if they are trying to communicate their pain to others and nobody is listening, or nobody is there to listen. It is at their moment of feeling the most alone, that they cut. Yet, people show anger towards them? If you were feeling completely alone, and someone you cared about was angry with you, do you think that would help, or make the situation worse? People act angry because you apparently didn't reach out to them. But these depressed people are always trying to reach out, but you are too busy with your own life, or you don't see it, or you mock them. It is very rare that someone is going to have the strength to openly say, "Look, I have a problem, and I'm scared of what I'm going to do" and even if they did, half the time people probably wouldn't take them seriously. I cannot wrap my head around the justification that anger is the appropriate reaction. I know that people cannot always control their emotions, but I feel like in that situation, if it is someone you truly care about, you should be willing to put your anger aside for the moment and just be there for them to give them what they need.
Sometimes all somebody needs is for you to take them in your arms and tell them that you'll protect them, that you'll try to help take the pain away, that they're not alone. Sometimes they may need more than that. But you'll never know what they need if you just present them with anger and make them feel more ashamed by what they've done than they already feel. It makes them feel even more alone, and embarrassed and hurt. Nobody should have to shoulder the pain they feel completely alone. Friends, and loved ones, are supposed to be there to help you through.
I'm not saying I know everything, but this is an issue that hits very close to home, it's something I have never been able to wrap my head around. I feel so much that it is hard for me to understand why people can at times be so selfish and inconsiderate, when someone's life is at stake. So next time before you write love on your arm, ask yourself if you really have been there for the people who are crying out for help. Ask yourself have you made heartless jokes at peoples expense? And if they were dead the next day, would you feel guilty? Rethink your actions, before you pretend to stand for something. Don't act as if you are noble and because you did a few good charitable things that you are a pillar of goodness if you are going to turn around and mock the very people who need you the most.
Have a heart.
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