I took a brief hiatus from writing because I needed to sort out some of my own thoughts. I still am doing so, but have a few new topics on my mind to write about and wanted to share with my readers.
What is it that helps us decide what we truly like or want in life? I find that a lot of what I enjoy in life is stuff that I have previously been exposed to, while others are completely new elements added to my life that I never expected. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about first loves and the impact that they can leave on a person, especially if your first love is not your last love. Luckily for me, I don't think my first love will actually ever read my blog, so I can speak a little more freely about these sorts of things.
A lot of what I've found I look for in a guy is based off of my first love. Some things are lessons I've learned I don't want in a man, while others are things I wish for because he did them. I often wonder if he was what made those things so great, or if I actually like them, or if it was just the first love experience that draws me to those types of things. My first love essentially was the first guy I seriously kissed, and I think we all know what I mean by SERIOUS kissing in this aspect. A lot of the things about how he kissed me were things I enjoyed, but again I question why. Then there were other habitual behaviors that I've come to enjoy from my significant others in the past, that he originally did, and I wonder if it is that I truly enjoy them, or if this is perhaps some subconscious connection to the past.
When I was younger, my mom would always play with my hair. She would brush it, comb it after I had a shower or bath, or just run her fingers through my hair while I was laying in bed. It always helped put me to sleep. Now, it is something I enjoy my significant other to do, especially when I'm sick or stressed to help soothe me or to help me fall asleep. With this behavior, I feel it is closely tied to the feeling that I got from my mother way back when. I was calmed, I felt protected, and so obviously those are the types of qualities I would like in my significant other. I can clearly explain why this behavior is something I enjoy. But what about the small things?
What about the fact that the first guy I fell in love with, used to always tell me little reasons why he loved me, and most of the time they would be things I disliked about myself, like how I scrunch my nose when I laugh, or how short I am. Now when I am in a relationship, like now, I feel like because he was always reaffirming that he loved me and why, that I need to hear reasons why someone loves me, and I usually look for them to be the type of things that someone else wouldn't necessarily notice. Is this a quality that most girls have? Or is it something I've now been predisposed with because of my first relationship?
How much of it is my own personality and character? Even if I had not fallen in love with that person, would I still like to kiss the same way? Would I still enjoy the same things I do? Or is it solely because that's what he taught me to enjoy? How much are we effected by the things in our past?
I'm not saying I want to go back to my ex boyfriend from several, SEVERAL LONG years ago. I actually feel quite the opposite. In the past couple of weeks, I've taken a lot of time to examine my past, and have completely concluded that if given the choice, no offense boys, but I wouldn't choose to be with any of my exes again. I am very content with the guy that I am with, and absolutely positive that I am going to spend the rest of my life with him.
But reflecting the past has made me really wonder about myself, and in turn, about others and their pasts. When I kiss my boyfriend, does he only kiss me the way he does because years ago, when he had his first kiss, she liked to do it this way? I know it seems like such a trivial subject but, the past really shapes us.
People say that the past helps us to become who we're supposed to be, but we choose who to become because of it. However, I'm beginning to wonder, are there certain things that we don't really choose? I know that people change how they kiss with different people, girls are taught by Cosmo at least once a year how to train a guy to kiss the way you want him to. But it still doesn't change the fact that there are certain things that you enjoy when it comes to kissing, and pretty much every area of a relationship, and if you are training someone to do it your way, how do you know that your way is going to be enjoyable to them?
The first time something happens to you leaves a mark. There are expectations that follow. The first time you listen to a certain musician, you form an opinion. Certain songs can change your mind about your first impression, but usually you stick to your initial feelings. I know tons of people who associate whether or not they like a song by the situation they were in when they first heard it. So what if, we only ever listened to music in a good situation? Would we like ALL music?
Life truly is a butterfly effect. The smallest occurrence can change our entire lives without even realizing it. Our lives can change other peoples lives. Our reactions become others' reactions. As someone who cares very much about other people and how they feel, this is almost an overwhelming possibility. It almost makes me want to scrutinize every single thing I do in life and how it could possibly affect everyone around me, and even people that aren't around me. But I cannot control everything.
My only choice is to examine why I like the things I do, why I do the things I do, and after reflection, do the things that make me happy. Then, hope and pray, that in my own quest for happiness, I do not destroy other's chances at happiness. We can only do so much.
What happens now, will soon be my past. So if I am happy now, at the very least, I will have good memories to associate my likes with. The past will stay in the past, as in, I do not wish to revisit it. But I will not avoid the fact that the past is what has molded me into who I am as a person.
I'm sorry I talk so much about the past, and about how much our decisions affect those around us. They are simply topics that I tend to linger on in my mind when I'm left alone to torture myself.
Hopefully in the next couple of days I will have some more thought provoking blogs for you out there, and if not, I'm sure my mind will still be running at 10000 mph.