Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Control Freak

I make lists.  I make lists of the lists I need to make before I make my lists.  I make sublists, and bullet points, and then I write out in detail what I think next to the bullet points.  My outlines can turn into 20 page papers.  It makes me feel more organized, but at times makes my life even more chaotic.  Lists everywhere.  Lists of all the books I've read, lists of the books I want to read, list of the movies I've watched, lists of what I want to watch, lists of what needs cleaned, lists of my dreams, lists, lists, lists.

Most of the time I get so exhausted from making a list that most of the stuff on the list never gets done.

My obsession for control has gone so far that I have lost all control.  I need to let go.  But I simply do not know how. 

I want to be organized, I want to not forget anything in the entire world.  I read, I write, so having things written down for me is my way of processing the information.  I have a great storage unit in my brain but it's easier for me to access them if they are on paper.

Why do I feel such a need for control? I cannot control everything in the world.  I can't even control the things in my own little world, so why can't I let it go?  Why does the world feel the need to control the uncontrollable?

This isn't a blog where I am really searching for answers because the truth is, there aren't really any answers.  It's people's nature to want to control things, and it's the world's nature to be chaotic.  I needed to vent.  End of story.

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