Thursday, January 26, 2012


"I want to say I lived each day, until I died
I know that I had something in, somebody's life
The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leave
That I made a difference, and this world will see

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here"

This song has been coming up on my Pandora lately and is one of those songs that I really relate to.  It's by Beyonce (don't judge).  But one of the things I've been wanting to talk about on my blog relates to it, so I figured I'd start there.

For those who know me personally, it's pretty obvious that I am extremely excited and passionate about the idea of being a wife and mother someday.  In fact, on an almost weekly basis people tell me how good of a mother or wife I'll be, which makes me happy because it is definitely something I want.  But there have been some that tell me that I invest too much in the idea of becoming a wife and a mother.  I want to dissuade those people of that believe right now.

I have developed my own identity.  I am proud of who I am.  Also, I know who I am, apart from a future wife and mother.  I am a hard worker, a mostly selfless person, compassionate, giving, empathetic.  I'm a writer.  I'm spiritual.  I'm a stickler for good grammar.  I'm skinny but not athletic.  I am very close with my family.  I do things because I want to do them, not because everyone else does them.  I love penguins, plaid, scarves, and horror movies.  These qualities that I have developed over time are not because I want to be a good mother and wife.  They are because I want to be a good person.

I do think about becoming a wife and a mother, perhaps more often than some people think I should, but it doesn't completely dictate my life.  My actions, my behavior, my beliefs are not because I want to become a wife and a mother.  I am who I am, because that's who I want to be.  My life will not end if I don't become a wife and a mother.  It is something I really want, however, I have already accepted the fact that because of my blood type, ovarian cysts, and anemia that I am at a high risk of being unable to conceive.  Also, because my parents got divorced, I have vowed that I will not get married unless I am absolutely certain that I want to spend the rest of my life with that person.  I want those things but they do not define me.  Because at the end of the day, if I do not get those things, I will still be who I am.

Yes, they are important to me.  Because everyone wants to matter.  Everyone wants to be remembered when they are gone.  Everyone wants to leave behind a legacy.  To me, that means a lot of different things.  I want my friends to feel like I was there for them.  I want people to think I had a big heart.  I want my effect on the people in my life, to still show after I'm gone.  I want to write meaningful words that touch people after I'm gone as well.  But yes, I also want to have a husband and children so that a piece of me remains after I'm gone.  But my list is long of everything I want to leave behind, it does not merely consist of being a wife and mother.

I want people to know I was here.

Just because you want something, and just because you believe you'll be good at it, does not mean it makes you who you are.  I'm sure that someday if I do become a wife and mother, that will become part of my identity.  But it will not be the entire part, just like it is not the only part of me now.

So for those of you who think you know me, you have no idea.  And because you make base assumptions about people without having in depth conversations with them, because you don't study why they do the things they do, because you can't possibly walk a mile in their shoes, you won't ever truly know others.  So stop pretending you know everything.  Stop pretending you have everyone figured out.  Worry more about yourself, because right now your legacy, what you'd be leaving behind is a trail of your judgment of others.

I was here.

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