Monday, February 6, 2012

Truth is...

Truth is I'm scared.  Actually, I'm pretty terrified.  Afraid of standing still, afraid of moving forward, afraid of the unknown, and afraid that what I think I know, I don't.  I'm scared that I'm terrible at my job.  I'm scared that they don't need me.  I'm scared that I haven't made an impact at all, when it has had such an immense impact on me.  I'm scared that I'm not good at anything.  I'm scared because I don't know where I'm going.  I'm scared because there is absolutely nothing about my future right now that is certain.  I'm scared because I want to marry my boyfriend, and I'm scared that he doesn't want to marry me.  I'm scared now that if I even talk about it it's going to make him run away.  I'm also scared that if I talk about it I'll ruin the surprise of it all.  I'm scared that we'll move and it won't work out and I'll have left everything that I'm comfortable with behind.  I'm scared that people want me to leave.  I'm scared to disappoint people who may not want me to leave.  I'm scared that I'll never be a good enough writer, I'm scared that I'll never find a career I love. I'm scared I'm always going to be judged.  I'm scared that I'm never going to be good enough.  I'm scared that I'm so scared.  I'm scared that I will never stop being scared.  I'm scared that people don't care enough to hear what I'm saying.  I'm scared that no one will ever understand me.  I'm scared that no one cares.  I'm scared that no one can seem to tell that I'm so scared.  I'm scared that I need someone and no one is there.  I'm scared that I want someone to need me.  I'm scared of everything.

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