I have talked about age before, but there's a lot going on in my life that has led me to start thinking about maturity. Lately it seems like there is a lot of potential change occurring in my life. In a few months, I may be moving to a new state, far away from my family and friends, to pursue a completely new life with my boyfriend, have a completely new job, new lifestyle, new culture, and it will be the first time I've technically lived with a significant other without a roommate. I guess I have lived with significant others before, but I have slowly progressed. First I lived in my own apartment, my only name being on the lease, and my boyfriend at the time practically moved his stuff in and stayed at my place all the time. Then I had my own apartment with my lease signed, but stayed at my current boyfriends place most of the time, with him and his roommate. Then I moved in with my boyfriend and his roommate, but my name is not on the lease. Now, I move into an apartment, where our names will be on the lease, and far away from the comforts of family and friends I have lived with for the majority of my life. It is a big step, and I've often debated how ready I really am for it. It makes me anxious to think of moving so far away, taking such a risk, but I hope that me and my boyfriends relationship will flourish, instead of wither, with this new step. I also worry about starting a new job, possibly my dream job, and leaving behind my current job which I love, (it is the longest job I have ever kept), but yet drives me insane.
But doubting myself, and overthinking things has always been a weakness of mine. In the past, my overthinking has been more of a negative thing. Instead of planning ahead, I would simply sit and think about everything that could possibly go wrong, and then hide from the situation in fear. A few months ago, I realized how debilitating this method was, and made a vow to myself that when it comes to overthinking, something I feel like I may never overcome, I would turn it into a positive thing, instead of negative. So, with this move, instead of freaking out and crying, I have channeled my thoughts into planning. I have looked online for apartments in our price range, I have researched the area, the job market in the area, started cover letters and resumes for potential jobs, I even know the gas prices in the area. I feel that it is a much more productive way to spend my time.
There have been other hindrances, that lately I'm ashamed to have been weakened to. For the past several months, I have barely consumed a drop of alcohol, except for the occasional event of celebration, and just like always, when I do indulge, I find myself regretting it the next day. Not even because of the hangover, because I don't necessarily get hangovers each time, but more because of the lack of clarity in my judgment. I look at other people who savour each precious moment that they can get wasted and say rude things or shed their censorship and speak openly, or do things they wouldn't normally do, and know that I am probably the same way whenever I am drunk. It makes me feel ashamed. I do not feel like there is anything really to be gained from getting drunk anymore, and would prefer to go on with my life having the occasional drink to relax and unwind.
There are several things that I have been reflecting upon about myself lately. I find this mostly comes to me because my boyfriend and roommate are on the road a lot for their job and I spend a lot of time by myself, and actually prefer it that way most of the time. Being alone gives me time to be myself, instead of who I think that person may want me to be. In the quiet hours at my house I think about who I want to be, who I define myself as, and what others think about me versus what I want them to think about me. I find myself dwelling more now, on who I want to be instead of worrying about what others think about me. I still care, if I hurt a friend, but not if it is something I truly care about or feel I stand for. Even then, I find I care a bit, because I do not want to upset anyone, but I still believe in what I have said or done. The biggest conflict has been my job. When I am at work, I try to be social with the employees and joke around and have a good time, but the past year I have really started to take my job more seriously, and my position more seriously. I try very hard to separate myself as friend vs. boss. Often I say things to people and they think that I am saying something about their character and take offense to it, but really I am saying this as their manager, concern for their performance, not who they are as a person. There are a lot of things I guess I will forever be working on.
The point is, I find that someone acknowledging their flaws, and wanting to improve upon them, is a benefit, and a sign of maturity. I never claim to know everything, I know I am always going to lack knowledge in some sense, but I'm on a quest to learn everything I possibly can. I want to improve upon myself. I would love to grow and expand myself so that someday I am a great worker, a great friend, a great girlfriend or wife or mother, a great sister, a great daughter, a great boss, a great writer.....I want to be great, excellent, brilliant, phenomenal. I have wondrous plans for myself, and know that none of them can be achieved by staying who I am at this given moment. I find that is maturity. Willingness to accept that improvement is the only option. Those who want to stand still, and be the same, aren't going to grow. I know I'm far from perfect, everyone makes mistakes. I just want to fix the mistakes I've made, or learn from them and move forward. I think that's part of growing up. And if someone thinks I'm wrong, that's their opinion, they're entitled to it, no hard feelings. But those I care about, I want to help them fulfill their highest potential, not change them, but help them focus whatever their energy is towards, into perhaps a more productive manner. I don't know if this makes any sense. Even if it doesn't, that's okay, because to me it does, and right now my whole quest to find my own maturity, is a long one full of obstacle courses and riddles and dead ends, and I'm simply trying to find my way through my own maze. So I guess that is all I have to say.