Friday, May 18, 2012

All Things Change

These past two weeks have been such a ball of emotions.  I've been anxious, nervous, terrified, sad, frustrated, happy, excited, enthralled, satisfied, content, ecstatic, and fifty other feelings, all twisted into one great big ball of craziness.  I apologize for not writing often, but I'm sure nobody is truly heartbroken.  Let me update those of my faithful readers of what is going on with me.  In the past two weeks, not only have we found a new apartment, but we're moving on Saturday, I am finishing up the last few weeks of my job as manager, and starting a whole new adventure of trying to find a job that actually fits my major.  I have a couple of prospects.  My boyfriend is soon-to-be promoted, and the major portion of our nerves is that us signing this lease together, and moving into our first "big-kid" apartment, away from the college town, and a lot of friends, moving in solely together, without a roommate. 

I have been absurdly busy because we had essentially a week to pack, and my boyfriend works 6 days a week, so most of the packing and cleaning fell on my shoulders.  It has been a bit frustrating, but last night I got a major portion of the final touches done, and tonight has been more about cleaning and relaxing for me.  I am really overwhelmed at all the new changes coming my way, and excited for the possibilities.  I'm glad that most of my friends who live in the area I'm moving to, are happy that I'll be closer, especially since I'll be closer to my brother. 

I guess the one thing that actually is bothering me the most, is the reaction of the people here.  There are a fair amount of people who have expressed to me how much they're going to miss me.  It's more, hurtful to me I guess that there are going to be people who are celebrating the fact that I'm leaving.  It makes me feel really misunderstood.  I've always been a person to talk things out, if a problem is brought to my attention, then I try to deal with it through a conversation.  Lately I feel like people are misinterpreting my words, or hearing a different interpretation from another person, and the game of telephone is making me look bad.  I do try to look inward, and see if perhaps I am doing something wrong, but every time somebody says something to me about what has happened and I think about it, people really are taking it in a different way than I meant it.  It hurts that there are important people in my life that I would like to stay in touch with, who see me in such a negative light.  And unfortunately, because they haven't tried to talk to me about the problems, I have had no way to try and fix the situation, or apologize if something I said made them feel a certain way.  I also feel like there are instigators in the situation who are past the point of reconciliation who are breeding this hate towards me.  I wanted to be remembered when I left for the hard work I've put in and the good things I've done, but sad to say that point has passed.

 Perhaps, in a few months, or years, people will reflect upon this time and regret their actions or feelings, but unfortunately for me, I'll be stuck feeling unwanted, unappreciated, and undervalued.  The drama, I'd like to say I'm past.  I'd like to say that when a friend tells me what someone has said about me, a negative comment of sorts, that I have gotten over the whole situation and no longer care, but it still really digs at me.  It's something I feel will linger with me for a long time.  This job, has really been a turning point in my life.  And I'd like to say that it was the people or the place that did it, but really it was the responsibility.  Having so much responsibility placed in my hand really made me a stronger individual.  So, having people comment about me being terrible at my job really hurts because of how far I feel I have come.  I feel like I'm going to walk away with all this negativity and feel like the past two years of my life were a complete and total waste, and that maybe I'm seeing something that's not really there.  It breaks my heart to be completely honest.

I can only count my blessings right now that I do have a few truly amazing friends who have helped me through the past month at work, because it has gotten to the point that I just....don't want to be there.  I go in, and I do my work, and I talk to the negative people as little as possible, and I hide in my head with thoughts of how I wish I could change things.  But I'm not one to force myself on people, if they have a problem with me, they should come to me.  The funny thing is, that a lot of the hatred stems from people accusing me of talking about people behind others backs, and yet they are all doing the same to me.  I'm not going to cause a confrontation, not going to start a scene by calling someone out for what they've said, instead I do my work, cling to the good things I have to look forward to, and embrace the fact that in a few weeks, it will be another chapter in my book of life that is closed.  I just never thought that I would be so relieved for it to be over.  I thought I would be scared to leave the job behind, scared to move away, but thanks to these people, I couldn't get away from them fast enough. 

It sucks that I've spent so much time there, I've worked so hard, I've changed so much, and I don't even get to say a blissful goodbye.  I'm sure they've already bought the streamers for their party to celebrate me going away.

So as I'm already so terrified about moving away, moving in with my boyfriend, starting a new chapter, a new job, leaving the place I've been for the past 8 years, not knowing anything that's coming next, who I'll spend time with, how we'll get by....I don't even have certain friends to lean on and help me through.

I don't hate them, I feel sad.  It's hard to lose friends, especially over petty things that could've easily been fixed.  But now I guess it is too late to try, so instead it's time to say goodbye.

Goodbye.  Nice to Know You.

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