I've been thinking a lot lately about friendships and how they fade in and fade out of our lives so easily it seems. There have been several moments where I'm with a new friend of mine, and I recall thinking, "This is a person who is going to be in my life forever," but truth is, most of them are no longer present in my life.
Sometimes friends move on, move away, or your friendships fall apart. Sometimes you simply don't nurture the friendship and it just fizzles out. But the truth is, we all evolve and sometimes the original purpose of a friendship is no longer the case and things change. It doesn't make it easier to lose a friend, but its somewhat comforting to know that it may not be completely your fault.
Friendship is a two way street. If the friendship falls apart, it is both parties to blame. A lot of times it's simply miscommunication or a total lack of communication. Some friends assume that when they're upset by another friend, that the friend should simply know what they did wrong and apologize. But sometimes, the person has no idea, or maybe the person didn't actually do what it is thought they did, or they didn't realize it would upset their friend. It's all a disaster. The world is chaotic, there are so many influences on people every day, an infinite possibility of events exists, and friendships often can't stand the wear and tear.
I remember five years ago, I had a roommate and I would expect her to know that certain things she did drove me insane. My boyfriend at the time would always tell me to talk to her about it, and I always told him, "She should just know". But the truth is, she may not have known it drove me nuts. And that doesn't necessarily make her a bad friend or roommate, it just means she didn't know because I never talked to her about it. It also doesn't make her stupid either because of all those infinite possibilities. In her house, where she was raised, that may have been completely acceptable behavior and she was never taught that it was kind of icky. My point is, that not talking to her about the issues, damaged the friendship. Instead, she heard from other people how much it drove me crazy, and it hurt her that I never spoke to her directly, and she felt like I had been talking about her behind her back. (Which in all fairness, I had). Perhaps, it had been to avoid confrontation, but sometimes confrontation is best. Sometimes being direct tells a person what they've done wrong, and they fix it immediately. Sometimes there isn't a big fight or blow out. And most of the time, the friendship can be saved just by simple words, "It hurt my feelings when you _____". But people are petty creatures, and they like to be mad at others, and they like to blame others for their bad moods, their own insecurities, and their problems. But they don't want to tell that person how they feel because the person may be able to shed light on the situation and solve it, and then they no longer have a person to be mad at except for themselves.
Friendships can also tell you a lot about someone. The pretty girls who hang out with seemingly uglier girls, usually have self-esteem issues. The girls who hang out with mostly guys usually like to avoid big drama blow-outs, or get reassurance of their worth by guys instead of spending time with girls and feeling inferior. People hang out with people like them or people they want to be like. I've thought a lot lately about the types of people I hang out with. I have four friends I would consider close friends, maybe even best friends. They are all men. They are the people that I go to when I have a problem, and they are the people that I expect will understand me and give me good guidance. I guess the reason they are guys is because I don't necessarily want someone who understands me so well they will tell me what I really should do even when it's not necessarily what I want to do. I also think that guys help me get over a lot of the petty drama stuff. They ask me what the big deal is, and I realize it's not so big of a deal and let it go. They also assure me of my worth, where as a lot of the time other girls can cut you down to make themselves feel better. A lot of my guy friends also spend a lot of time thinking about life, in a deeper level, like myself. It makes for some fascinating conversations and makes me feel like I'm always chasing after new knowledge and new perspectives on life. You can't always tell exactly who a person is by their friends on the surface, a person may hang out with total tools and that doesn't mean that they are. But if you look at it closely, that person may hang out with those type of people because they envy those people because they speak their mind and do what they want, etc.
I've lost a lot of friends as of late, and I know that I am in part to blame for the situation, but I know the blame doesn't fall solely on myself. It still makes me sad. But in the same sense, I have gained new friends, and gotten reacquainted with others. I'm moving on, growing up, and as it always goes, some people get left behind. With those I find of value, and worth keeping, I have tried to salvage it the best that I can. Now it is left to them, to see if the friendship will be saved. But I'm happy. I'm happy with myself and for myself. I'm happy with this new chapter in my life and the new possibilities it brings. All I can hope is that my current friends, my future friends, and my past friends, can be happy for me as well.